August 20 2008

August 20th 2008 marks the end of a marriage, my marriage to Brad Van Leeuewn. I received a letter from the judge with the date and his signature. It was a simple piece of paper of no value like our marriage was to Brad. It is going to be weird to think that as when you look at a dash on the tomb of someone who has died it marks the beginning and the end. For us, it was September 11, 1981 - August 20, 2008. But this slow death  really started on March 2003.

I can't believe I waited five and a half years for a miracle that never happened. What every married woman wants is a husband that someday will be called grandpa, a hero, an anchor and an example of a loving husband in whom you can sense a loving bond between grandma and grandpa. We are not yet grandparents but I am sure someday we will be and how sad that we won't be there together to see our daughters give birth. 

This is fresh in my mind because the Bekkers were in Church attending sacrament meeting when all of the sudden they got up and left in the middle of the meeting. He is our stake President so that was unusual but it was because their son and daughter in law had just given birth to their grandson and they needed to rush over to the Hospital. That will never happen with us. We will never be together welcoming our grand babies and that breaks my heart!  

How tragic is also for us not to have family pictures together. No more vacations as a family either. We won't share anything anymore. We are now complete strangers like if there was nothing that tied us together. This is what divorce does. I don't wish this hell on anyone.

Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and is intended to be eternal. In Matthew 19:5 we read: "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh" Marriage is often referred to a partnership with God. Obviously Brad didn't see it that way. He broke his promise. When I married him, he was a man who truly loved me,  his wife, and one who honored his priesthood, one who showed respect and fidelity to me and gave me no reason to ever doubt his faithfulness. But he changed.

The million dollar question is: Knowing what I know now, would I have married Brad? probably yes, Because I did give birth to three amazing daughters. They are my life. They are all I care about! I am so sorry, my sweet girls, for not providing you with a stable home. We are now bad examples to you. Please don't do what we did. Please, don't ever think the answer to your marital problems is to get a divorce.

I still think a marriage is so worth it. I am so grateful I had my amazing girls even when it meant so much sorrow for me in the end. One thing I learned from this is that you never know who you really married until you get a divorce and  how real the power of Satan really is. He got him and once you belong to him, he will destroy you. He destroyed our family.

My only prayer is that I will become a better person because of this and one day I can say, I'm o.k. I am a survival and will keep my chin up because the Lord knows I didn't want this to happen. I tried all I could even when it was to no avail. 

Con amor,

Vero