Time heals, so give it some time…
I usually don’t write when I am on vacation but today is the exception. Today is my 10thyear anniversary. Let me explain: Once upon a time, I was secure in my world. I was happy as no one could be. On January 3, 2000, my 40thbirthday I was asked to make a wish and I couldn’t think of anything to wish for. My life was perfect the way it was. My hard -working husband, Brad and daughters were the best a mother could ask for. I had a wonderful extended family, loved ones and friends. Our future together was bright.
The first 42 years of my life I was sheltered. I knew of a few friends who had split up and my heart ached for them. I honestly felt sorry for "those" people. I knew I would never be one of them, because my family was as perfect as it could possibly be. I would frequently say to them: “seek answers in the scriptures and pray.”
Then one day Brad went on a trip, met someone and had a change of heart. Simple as that! 22 years of marriage didn’t mean anything. All the years we worked together creating our family raising our girls didn’t mean a thing. In the days immediately after he left, I was in shock but I had to get done what needed to get done. People would often ask: “how on earth could this happen to a nice family like yours? I still don’t have an answer. But what I do know is that the article of faith number 2 took an important meaning in my life. In essence, I am not responsible for any one’s else bad choices except for my own choices.
I feel so grateful for all the family, friends and neighbors who all wanted to provide love and support. The photo is taken in December 2007 when my whole family came to spend Christmas with me. knowing how lonely I was with my pending divorce.
Then it was over on August 20th2008 a judge singed a paper dissolving my marriage to Brad Van Leeuwen. I will never forget this day because it is also Bianca’s birthday. Today I happen to be with Bianca in Connecticut and we are having people over for dinner. I am glad I am here today to help me not think too much on this day. By August 20th2008 I had been separated for so long that people reached out less frequently. It was time to go back to work at Reid School and back to the demands of life. You feel alone. So alone. Late at night when your brain won't settle down, you just sit and think about what will the future hold?. You mostly wake up more tired than when you go to bed. There is thick fog that kicks in It's real. You feel like crying the blues. Your brain shuts down and you operate in slow motion. I could not concentrate and feel peace no matter how hard I tried. I went to the temple more often but each time I went and heard each covenant that we promised, I cried. It was pure torture to hear it over and over again so I prayed to feel comforted. After some time doing this, I wondered if I would feel this sad forever.
I felt so alone. My oldest girls were gone but luckily, I still had one at home. Late at night, I yearned for my life to be back to the way it was. His masculine, voice, his touch, his presence. I would be in a group of people and still feel alone. Many people in my life kept reaching out to me in meaningful ways to see how they could help. They provided badly needed brief respite from grief.
Each time I am aware of a divorce situation that you didn’t want, no matter who you are or if I even know you that well, I mourn for you because I know exactly what you are going through. My heart aches for those families. It will ache for a while. It's not just for their loss. It is for their missed futures with their husband and father or wife and mother. My thoughts and prayers are always there for those affected by divorce. There are those who have never experience divorce and that is wonderful but they are not the once who should come someone like me and say, "I understand." because they don't, they don't have a clue.
I just learned about another situation of a friend and I do understand how lonely of a journey this will be. How hard it is. God will help them. Friends will help them. Many will help them. Then they will choose how to keep living the way I did. I am here to say that I am proof that there is life after a painful divorce so keep your chin up and never lose hope.
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