The Lobster Syndrome

The Lobster Syndrome 

(A classic story post I found in the internet.)

A lobster may have tremendous value at an expensive restaurant, but they have absolutely no value in a work environment.  I have likely lost a few of you with my observation so let me explain exactly what I mean.  If you have ever observed lobsters in a fine restaurant you will find that they are kept in a shallow cage without any lid on the cage, yet you don’t see the lobsters getting out of the cage and running lose in the restaurant…so why not?  The reason why is that when one lobster tries to crawl out of the tank, the other lobsters will grab and pull that lobster right back into the tank with them.  They can’t escape because they consistently pull each other back in.  I don’t know the science behind why the lobsters act this way, but I can tell you that this phenomenon is something that is not always unique to lobsters in a tank…

 There are certain people in this world who are infected with “the lobster syndrome”.  These are the people who cannot stand to see other people do well.  They will pinch, pull, and pry to try and drag anyone else down who appears to be progressing ahead of them. 

What causes lobster syndrome?  From what I have observed it has typically started with someone feeling insecure or inadequate about themselves and it festers and grows from there to jealousy and envy and bitterness.  The more a person becomes unhappy with themselves the more they want others around them to be unhappy too.  Everything becomes a comparison to themselves – if one person accomplishes something good they read it as “I am not capable”, if someone is told they are pretty the insecure person hears “I must be ugly”, and it goes on and on for them.  Rather than recognizing their own unique gifts and talents, they become so focused on wanting the talents that other people have that their own talents never get developed.  And so their behavior ends up perpetuating the growth of their insecurities, and the way they try to combat those is to do everything they can to bring other people down with them.  If they don’t get to be happy then no one else should be allowed to be happy either.  And so the negativity comes and the mean spirited behavior ensues.  Sadly, their doing so won’t lead to helping them feel any better about themselves; in fact it is quite the opposite.  When they are constantly working to pull others down they only succeed in feeling worse and worse about themselves.  It’s like a never ending spiral downward until that person will face their disease and make a conscious decision to break out of this lobster syndrome. 

Many years ago I made the decision that I would keep my life free from people who were affected with the lobster syndrome. As a CEO I have witnessed time and time again how quickly a person with the lobster syndrome will spread their infectious disease to everyone around them, so I understand the danger that they bring into an organization.  It has taught me over the years the importance of protecting the environment you allow into your company.  I believe that companies who do not stay cognizant of the lobster syndrome will find that their business getting pulled down just as quickly as their people are, because at the end of the day a business is a reflection of the people who make up that business.  The majority of the success of my company can be attributed to the quality of the people who work there and the quality of the clients we associate with.  We chose to surround ourselves with people of integrity and values and it was reflected by the success of our business. 

So what can be done if you encounter someone who is infected with the lobster syndrome?  First and foremost be aware of it.  Don’t make excuses for it or try to dismiss it as “no big deal”.  Remember that it is a contagious disease and the more you allow yourself around it the more likely you are to become infected yourself.  If you see someone who is mean spirited, a backbiter, a gossip, or a joy killer, I suggest you point out to them how hurtful their actions are and then choose not to associate with that person any longer until they can get their own life together enough to free themselves from their disease.

 If you want your life to be full of success and joy and happiness then make a conscious decision to surround yourself with successful, joyous, and happy people Life can be a beautiful grand adventure that is full of love and learning and service and joy and success.  The best way to ensure that your life will have those things is to surround yourself with the right kind of people.  Choose your friends wisely.  Choose your business associates wisely.  Keep your standards high and don’t bend them for anyone.  Always stand up for what you believe in, even if you have to stand alone.  Know the kind of person you want to be in life and then be that. Oh, and most important is to avoid Lobsters! 

I thought about this story because I have been spending time with Sharon Eubank and she is one good example of someone who is NOT a lobster. She genuinely tries to help other people succeed. Today I was fortunate to get the pearls she wanted for her sister. 

Con amor,
Vero

Charity

Charity is expecting the best of each other

“If it is our nature to criticize or demean, we can cause the voices of gladness to be silenced. We need those who bring gladness into our lives. We need those who give encouragement and reflect optimism.” – Marvin Ashton

What the world needs more of is people who are encouraging and optimistic. The world has more than enough negative people who are willing to drag others down, belittle others, and tell others that they just can’t do it.

We all need people in our lives who encourage us and who reflect optimism. That’s why it is so important that we are careful to choose to surround ourselves with people who do that! It’s also why it is so important that each of us are careful to be the kind of person who encourages others and reflects optimism ourselves.

Staying optimistic and encouraging is one of those things you have to be constantly mindful of because it is so easy to have your snap reaction be a negative one without even realizing you’re doing it, especially when you may be having a bad day or feeling down yourself. So you have to be careful not to fall in that trap. Figure out some sort of daily reminder system that helps you stay positive and encouraging. Perhaps you find a bracelet with something written on it to keep you positive, or you put a sticker on the dash of your car, or wherever you will be reminded on a regular basis.

 “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped.  Charity is refusing to take advantage of anther’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us.  Charity is expecting the best of each other.”  -Marvin J. Ashton

Life is happier when we are surrounded by optimistic people and when we are optimistic people ourselves. So let’s all just be more optimistic and spread more HAPPY!  

Con amor,

Vero

The parable of the butterfly

Parable of the Butterfly

This story reminded me of a time Elder Neil Andersen came to visit us in the Caribbean and brought with him a butterfly in a jar. He was able to teach us about how careful we need to be with butterflies because they are very fragile.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. 

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. 

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. 

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

 What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. 

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!   -author unknown

Con amor,

Vero

One by one!

Today was my turn to teach the class in Relief Society on the subject of ministering.

Quotes on Ministering for today's lesson:

“Dear brothers and sisters, we constantly seek direction from the Lord on how we can help our members keep the commandments of God, especially those two great commandments to love God and our neighbors.¹

For months, we have been seeking a better way to minister to the spiritual and temporal needs of our people in the Savior’s way.

We have made the decision to retire home teaching and visiting teaching as we have known them. Instead, we will implement a newer, holier approach to caring for and ministering to others. We will refer to these efforts simply as “ministering.” President Nelson

Sister Jean Binham explained: “Sometimes we think we have to do something grand and heroic to “count” as serving our neighbors. Yet simple acts of service can have profound effects on others—as well as on ourselves. What did the Savior do? …

He smiled at, talked with, walked with, listened to, made time for, encouraged, taught, fed, and forgave. He served family and friends, neighbors and strangers alike, and He invited acquaintances and loved ones to enjoy the rich blessings of His gospel. Those “simple” acts of service and love provide a template for our ministering today.

As you have the privilege to represent the Savior in your ministering efforts, ask yourself, “How can I share the light of the gospel with this individual or family? What is the Spirit inspiring me to do?” Ministering can be done in a great variety of individualized ways. So what does it look like? Ministering looks like elders quorum and Relief Society presidencies prayerfully counseling about assignments. Rather than leaders just handing out slips of paper, it looks like counseling about the individuals and families in person as assignments are given to ministering brothers and sisters. It looks like going for a walk, getting together for a game night, offering service, or even serving together. It looks like visiting in person or talking on the phone or chatting online or texting. It looks like delivering a birthday card and cheering at a soccer game. It looks like sharing a scripture or quote from a conference talk that would be meaningful to that individual. It looks like discussing a gospel question and sharing testimony to bring clarity and peace. It looks like becoming part of someone’s life and caring about him or her. It also looks like a ministering interview in which needs and strengths are discussed sensitively and appropriately. It looks like the ward council organizing to respond to a larger need.”

“Brothers and sisters, we have a heaven-sent opportunity as an entire Church to demonstrate “pure religion … undefiled before God”⁸—“to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light” and to “comfort those that stand in need of comfort,”⁹ to minister to the widows and the fatherless, the married and the single, the strong and the distraught, the downtrodden and the robust, the happy and the sad—in short, all of us, every one of us, because we all need to feel the warm hand of friendship and hear the firm declaration of faith. However, I warn you, a new name, new flexibility, and fewer reports won’t make an ounce of difference in our service unless we see this as an invitation to care for one another in a bold, new, holier way, as President Nelson has just said…

Brothers and sisters, I join with you in saluting every block teacher and ward teacher and home teacher and visiting teacher who has loved and served so faithfully throughout our history. Our prayer today is that every man and woman—and our older young men and young women—will leave this general conference more deeply committed to heartfelt care for one another, motivated only by the pure love of Christ to do so. In spite of what we all feel are our limitations and inadequacies—and we all have challenges—nevertheless, may we labor side by side with the Lord of the vineyard,¹³ giving the God and Father of us all a helping hand with His staggering task of answering prayers, providing comfort, drying tears, and strengthening feeble knees.¹⁴ If we will do that, we will be more like the true disciples of Christ we are meant to be.” Elder Holland

 What does ministering look like? Do what is needed

(Scripture reference) Mosiah 18:9 

How did the Savior minister to the people?  One by one 

(Scripture references) 

3 Nephi 11:15

3 Nephi 17:21

3 Nephi 18:36

3 Nephi 28:1 

In Closing: 

“This general conference marks the beginning of a new era of ministering. The Lord has made important adjustments in the way we care for each other. Sisters and brothers—old and young—will serve one another in a new, holier way. Elders quorums will be strengthened to bless the lives of men, women, and children throughout the world. Relief Society sisters will continue to minister in their unique and loving way, extending opportunities to younger sisters to join them as appropriately assigned.

Our message to the world is simple and sincere: we invite all of God’s children on both sides of the veil to come unto their Savior, receive the blessings of the holy temple, have enduring joy, and qualify for eternal life.“² President Nelson 

The Five hour rule

Bill Gates, Warren Buffett And Oprah All Use The 5-Hour Rule

In the article “Malcolm Gladwell got us wrong”, the researchers behind the 10,000-hour rule set the record straight: different fields require different amounts of deliberate practice in order to become world class.

If 10,000 hours isn’t an absolute rule that applies across fields, what does it really take to become world class in the world of work?

Over the last year, I’ve explored the personal history of many widely-admired business leaders like Elon Musk, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg in order to understand how they apply the principles of deliberate practice.

What I’ve done does not qualify as an academic study, but it does reveal a surprising pattern.

Many of these leaders, despite being extremely busy, set aside at least an hour a day (or five hours a week) over their entire career for activities that could be classified as deliberate practice or learning.

I call this phenomenon the 5-hour rule.

How the best leaders follow the 5-hour rule

For the leaders I tracked, the 5-hour rule often fell into three buckets: reading, reflection, and experimentation.

1. Read

According to an HBR article, “Nike founder Phil Knight so reveres his library that in it you have to take off your shoes and bow.”

Oprah Winfrey credits books with much of her success: “Books were my pass to personal freedom.” She has shared her reading habit with the world via her book club.

These two are not alone. Consider the extreme reading habits of other billionaire entrepreneurs:

            Warren Buffett spends five to six hours per dayreading five newspapers and 500 pages of corporate reports.

            Bill Gates reads 50 books per year.

            Mark Zuckerberg reads at least one book every two weeks.

            Elon Musk grew up reading two books a day, according to his brother.

            Mark Cuban reads more than 3 hours every day.

            Arthur Blank, co-founder of Home Depot, reads two hours a day.

            Billionaire entrepreneur David Rubenstein reads six books a week.

            Dan Gilbert, self-made billionaire and owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, reads one to two hours a day.

Want to find the time to read? Sign up for the free webinar here.

2. Reflect

Other times, the 5-hour rule takes the form of reflection and thinking time.

AOL CEO Tim Armstrong makes his senior team spend four hours per week just thinking. Jack Dorsey is a serial wanderer. LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner schedules two hours of thinking time per day. Brian Scudamore, the founder of the 250 million-dollar company, O2E Brands, spends 10 hours a week just thinking.

When Reid Hoffman needs help thinking through an idea, he calls one of his pals: Peter Thiel, Max Levchin, or Elon Musk. When billionaire Ray Dalio makes a mistake, he logs it into a system that is public to all employees at his company. Then, he schedules time with his team to find the root cause. Billionaire entrepreneur Sara Blakely is a long-time journaler. In one interview, she shared that she has over 20 notebooks where she logged the terrible things that happened to her and the gifts that have unfolded as a result.

If you want to be in to company of others who reflect on what they’re learning with each other, join this Facebook group.

3. Experiment

Finally, the 5-hour rule takes the form of rapid experimentation.

Throughout his life, Ben Franklin set aside time for experimentation, masterminding with like-minded individuals, and tracking his virtues. Google famously allowed employees to experiment with new projects with 20% of their work time. Facebook encourages experimentation through Hack-A-Months.

The largest example of experimentation might be Thomas Edison. Even though he was a genius, Edison approached new inventions with humility. He would identify every possible solution and then systematically test each one of them. According to one of his biographers, “Although he understood the theories of his day, he found them useless in solving unknown problems.”

He took the approach to such an extreme that his competitor, Nikola Tesla, had this to say about the trial-and-error approach: “If [Edison] had a needle to find in a haystack, he would not stop to reason where it was most likely to be, he would proceed at once with the feverish diligence of the bee to examine straw after straw until he found the object of his search.”

The power of the 5-hour rule: improvement rate

People who apply the 5-hour rule in the world of work have an advantage. The idea of deliberate practice versus just working hard is often confused. Also, most professionals focus on productivity and efficiency, not improvement rate. As a result, just five hours of deliberate learning a week can set you apart.

Billionaire entrepreneur Marc Andreessen poignantly talked about improvement rate in a recent interview. “I think the archetype/myth of the 22-year-old founder has been blown completely out of proportion… I think skill acquisition, literally the acquisition of skills and how to do things, is just dramatically underrated. People are overvaluing the value of just jumping into the deep-end of the pool, because like the reality is that people who jump into the deep end of the pool drown. Like, there’s a reason why there are so many stories about Mark Zuckerberg. There aren’t that many Mark Zuckerbergs. Most of them are still floating face down in the pool. And so, for most of us, it’s a good idea to get skills.”

Later in the interview he adds, “The really great CEOs, if you spend time with them, you would find this to be true of Mark [Zuckerberg] today or of any of the great CEOs of today or the past, they are really encyclopedic of their knowledge of how to run a company, and it’s very hard to just intuit all of that in your early 20s. The path that makes much more sense for most people is to spend 5–10 years getting skills.”

We should look at learning like we look at exercise.

We need to move beyond the cliche, “Life-long learning is good,” and think more deeply about what the minimum amount of learning the average person should do per day in order to have a sustainable and successful career.

Just as we have minimum recommended dosages of vitamins, steps per day, and aerobic exercise for leading a healthy life physically, we should be more rigorous about how we as an information society think about the minimum doses of deliberate learning for leading a healthy life economically.

The long-term effects of NOT learning are just as insidious as the long-term effects of not having a healthy lifestyle. The CEO of AT&T makes this point loud and clear in an interview with the New York Times; he says that those who don’t spend at least 5 to 10 hours a week learning online “will obsolete themselves with technology.”

Interested in applying the 5-hour rule to your life?

Bottom line: the busiest, most successful people in the world find at least an hour to learn EVERYDAY. So can you!

There are just three steps you need to take in order to create your own learning ritual:

            Find the time for reading and learning even if you are really busy and overwhelmed.

            Stay consistent on using that ‘found’ time without procrastinating or falling prey to distraction.

            10x the results you receive from each hour of learning.

Free Webinar On How To Apply The 5-Hour Rule To Your Life

The good news is that you don’t need to recreate the wheel. Over the last three years, I’ve been researching the specific learning habits of top performers and applying what I learn to my life. I spend 2–3 hours per day in deliberate learning in between being a dad, having a daily exercise routine, sleeping eight hours per day, and running a rapidly-growing startup. I can confidently say that my learning ritual has been a key to our company’s success and other major life changes I’ve made.

There was too much information to fit in one article, so I spent dozens of hours and created a free, live masterclass to help you master your learning ritual too!

Good for him! 

Con amor,

Vero

Trials help us grow

Today we took Sharon Eubank to the airport and felt a peace with some of my trials because no one is except from having them. Some women were never blessed to become mothers for example and this thought came to mind. 

 “Have you ever gone through something difficult and that experience allowed you to empathize with friends or even strangers who were facing a similar challenge? Or have you seen others experience sorrow from difficult circumstances and turn their pain into a moving, empowering cause? The trials we face allow us to develop compassion for others and can inspire us to make a difference in the world, in big and small ways. They enable us to truly be “willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light” (Mosiah 18:8)

….Trials can open our eyes to those who are suffering. They can enable us to show others genuine compassion and love. They can refine us to be more charitable, empathetic, and influential humans. They can instill in us a powerful need to serve….Take a moment to think about what you’ve learned because of bad things that have happened. There’s no doubt you will recognize those moments when you were able to sincerely understand someone else’s sorrow because of something you once faced” – Chakell Wardleigh

As much as we would all like to avoid life’s painful trials, there is much to be said for the value of being able to notice when someone is suffering because you recognize the hurt in their eyes because you have seen it before reflected in your own during past struggles…there is a deep compassion you can provide someone who is suffering when you yourself have suffered through similar things…there is great comfort in being able to give genuine comfort to someone because your heart has been where there heart is and they know you understand their pains…and knowing that your trials may help benefit another is healing…

Be strong in your trials as someday they will allow you to help someone else. That is what I hope I can do for anyone going through a painful divorce and keep my chin up. I need to count my many blessings even in circumstances when I might be scared or feel sad. 

Con amor,

Vero

To my baby sister with love

Every person needs a friend like my sister Liz, she has always been there for me. 

"Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you. They’re lonely. They’re missing somebody. They’re in love with someone they probably shouldn’t be in love with. They have secrets you wouldn’t believe. They wish, dream, hope, and they look out the window whenever they’re in the car or on a bus or train and they watch the people on the streets and wonder what they’ve been through. They wonder if there are people out there like them. They’re like you and you could tell them everything and they would understand. You’re never alone.”

What a great reminder of the fact that there really are others out there who have been through our same struggles, who have suffered the same disappointments, who have lived through the same type of loss, who have felt like they are all alone too… We really aren’t ever alone in our feelings and fears and dreams because there is always someone, somewhere who knows how you feel and who understands what you are going through. And even if you don’t know that person personally, you at least know that someone else can understand and empathize with you, and somehow knowing that just helps….

I truly believe we are never alone. Whether we have a friend that understands, or we know that somewhere out there is a total stranger who understands, or we simply trust the fact that God himself understands what we are going through – in every situation we can know that we never have to feel it alone and in my case I got a sister with whom I can talk for hours. Today is her birthday and I feel so blessed to have a sister like Liz. 

Thanks for being a part of my life. It helps remind me that I am not alone either. I hope today is an incredible day for my sister Liz, I know it will be. She is in El Salvador celebrating and how I wish I could be there too. Happy birthday!

Con amor,

Vero

One day at a time

What do you do if your life is in complete disarray, you have hardly any self-discipline or consistent routines, can’t stick to anything, procrastinate constantly, and feel completely out of control?

How do you get started with building a healthy habit of self-discipline when you have so many changes to make? You start small. Very small.
If you don’t know where to start, start by simply washing your dishes. Yes, literally start by washing your dishes. It’s just one small step forward: When you eat your oatmeal, wash your bowl and spoon. Don’t leave any dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter for later. Wash them immediately. We had company today, made empanadas and the kitchen couldn't be more messy but it was all cleaned up. If I had waited for the next day, just imagine how much harder that would have been.

Form this ritual one dish at a time, one day at a time. Once you do this consistently for a couple weeks, you can start making sure the sink has been wiped clean too. Then the counter. Then put your clothes where they belong when you take them off. Then start doing a few sit-ups every morning. Eat a few vegetables for dinner. And so forth. 

Doing one of these at a time, and you’ll start to build a healthy ritual of self-discipline, and finally know yourself to be capable of doing what must be done… and finishing what you start. Always with a smile. Consistent discipline is where your life gets power. 

Do you ever find yourself changing who you are to satisfy others? No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are. The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” It should be, “Why am I wasting my time worrying what they think of me?” If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life. Be happy. Be yourself. If others don’t like it, then let them be. Life isn’t about pleasing everybody. 

Con amor,
Vero

Interfaith amazing women

Today we attended the interfaith women luncheon sponsored by the Church.

“Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve…You only need a heart full of grace…A soul generated by love.” – Martin Luther King, Jr

Speaking of those who serve, I was asked to accompanied sister Sharon Eubank, Director for the LDS Charities and she was telling me how a few years ago she was able to attend a conference that highlighted ordinary people who had done some extraordinary things with their lives. 

For example there was a 16 year old girl who lived through seeing entire village massacred in Africa at the age of 10 years old, who now spreads a message of hope to survivors.  Then there was a 40 year old woman in Africa that stood up to a terrible dictator and who brought thousands of African women together in Africa to help her take a stand against these tyrant leaders who were mistreating their people.  She and this group of women literally surrounded the courthouse and locked arms together and refused to let the men leave that building until they negotiated a peace agreement with one another.  They risked their lives to do the right thing. 

 Another story was the story of a young girl who wanted to help the people whose homes were destroyed in the hurricanes so at the age of 14 she started a charity which has gone on to raise tens of millions of dollars in the last three years.  Here she is at the age of 17 with a charity that has involvement of over 4 million kids from all over the planet.  Another was the story of a 15 year old girl that was sold into prostitution and slavery by a family member where she was abused for 5 years before she finally escaped.  She is working with authorities to help them to track down the mafia group that headed up the prostitution ring that controlled her and because of that when this young lady came to the stage to talk to the audience they had to cover her face to keep her identity a secret from the bad people still after her.

She told me that hearing all of these stories at this conference all she could do is sit there and think “What have I done in my life compared to these amazing ladies???”  It made her really stop and ask if she shouldn’t be doing more.  Certainly, it made me also think if these women could do such courageous things in the world then I had no excuse for not doing everything I can do to contribute to the world as well.  Seriously, no excuse or bad circumstance that any one of us have in our life comes anywhere close to the horrible circumstances that some of these women had going on in their lives when they stood tall to do amazing things. 

Today we went to an interfaith conference and again some very remarkable women spoke about their meager conditions and how they are trying so hard to change that.  It really humbled me significantly and it put everything in perspective in my life.  It helped me realize that every one of us has a duty to stand tall and be courageous and do something really impactful and good with our lives.

We have a responsibility to do something to help others in this world.  Maybe we won’t be called on to put our lives in danger but there is something that every one of us can do, even if it’s small.  It may be as small as touching people around you with small acts of service, or it may be by getting involved in politics, or taking a stand on issues politically, or helping out with a charity. There are unlimited things we can find to do to help the world be a better place.  We just have to decide to care enough to do those.

Never underestimate the power of what one person can do. Sharon Eubank is an amazing example of someone who is constantly thinking about doing good. She is also the First Counselor in the General Relief Society. She told me that she sits in the same office Aunt Silvia used to have when she also serve as the first counselor in the Relief Society 10 years ago. I came a changed woman after these meetings and with added understanding about the world we live in. Hopefully I can find way of getting involved in my community before my time is up. 

Con amor,

Vero