My early mother's day gift

I have wanted an ipad ever since I gave my ipad to Gabriel a couple of years ago but Daniel thought I wanted an apple computer which is probably true but I can't carry that around everywhere I go in my purse. He was so sweet to get me the very best state of the art apple notebook and spent $2500 when I only wanted a $500 dollar ipad.


I remember vividly how excited Daniel was to give me that special gift.  He couldn't wait for Christmas. He gave it to me way before that. I opened it and there it was. The best  computer you could buy at the time. I was not as excited because I don't like buying expensive things. I was grateful but a little concerned that Daniel and I are so different when it comes to spending money on electronics. I don't like to buy the latest because in a year or a few months or even weeks be obsolete.


 I like the fact Daniel likes to buy me the very best but when he was about to buy the computer, I wished he had at least asked me about it. Well guess what? I have not even touch that computer because I can't get in without a password that only Daniel knows and also since we live in the Dominican Republic the internet is super sloooooooooow and having the best computer does not make the internet be any faster so finally we went to the apple store to purchased what I have wanted all along. My ipad. I decided to get the mini version so I can carry it everywhere I go. It does everything!

Ten years ago I was that perfect woman

I was that perfect woman. That may make no sense to you, or it may make all the sense in the world. I’m that woman who was happy, successful, accomplished, three beautiful daughters, one amazing husband and a great home. I’m that woman who believed in love and fairy tales, who was happily-ever-after married, who had met her soul mate, who also was her best friend, and dedicated herself to him entirely.

I’m also that woman whose marriage ended with a piece of paper.

Yip…that woman.

You see, I heart symbols. Always have. My mother loves symbols and that paper was a sign.

So when I opened up some old mail — set aside thinking it was junk mail from a bank, what I found was gut-wrenching, soul-twisting, ugly, to even imagine — well, the symbol was too strong to not feel somehow tricked by some higher power. The mail was stating in black and white, a money transferred to a woman from my then husband’s bank account he had opened without me knowing.

I mean, come on: It hit me like nothing else.

As my face turned pale and all the saliva disappeared from my mouth, I had to think no, there must be an explanation for this. I couldn’t think of the worse, not my husband!

I rejected all the sayings about cheaters entering my head — every one of them that quickly made its way into and out of my brain at the moment my life changed forever — every one of them talked about being stupid, doing pointless things or being blindsided.

There it was: the heartless cynical universe, laughing at me hysterically… because I had heard of so many jokes about men and their extramarital affairs and it wasn’t funny.

So at this point, perhaps I need to share some details about that letter. First it was one of those letters from a bank that you get on the mail for example stating a transaction set directly to your home but they also seemed like any other piece of junk mail you get from banks offering you from credit cards to life insurance and didn’t look too important.

My than husband had wired $2,000 to a woman in El Salvador and the letter was only stating those facts.  Apparently, my adoring husband had sent this money to a woman by the name of Angeles.  I read the letter with interest, because it just seemed so odd.

I got all concerned and called him at work to ask who was this woman he was sending money to? He first accused me of hiring a detective or something but I simply explained the letter had come to our home. He then told me he would explain all to me when he got home. 

As you can probably figure out based on the information I gave you, my 22+ years of marriage as I knew it ended that day. He and I had been together more than 1/2 of my life — and yet this letter marked the end of our family.

That letter changed my life. In an instant I had seen the end of my marriage in all its stunning flat-screen glory.

The rest, as they say, is history. But it’s still recent history to me, as this bit of bad news hit me over the head only a day before I was to leave town on April 27, 2004. Since then, what has occurred looks nothing like the popular conceptions of divorce prescribe. In fact, it’s been just the opposite.

I’m a mature woman. I thought he was a mature man. Yet we’re definitely not sitting next to each other at any of our three daughter’s weddings. The memory is so distant now of him holding hands with our youngest daughter, she holding hands with her big sister, her big sister holding hands with the middle child and she holding hands with me as we would kneel in prayers and do what we used to call circle of LOVE, the five of us still connected like a paper cut-out against a sunny horizon is no MORE!

Nope. It’s been sheer chaos, utter hell, the worst days of my life.

And here I am sharing my story with you, because I, my friends, am an expert on how to handle this. (Not really.) Perhaps I can help you live through a divorce gracefully. (That’s a total lie.) Because I have been the perfect image of honesty, grace and understanding. (I wish.)

Sometimes I lie just to make myself feel better. That’s one of my coping mechanisms.

Actually, here I am a little more than ten years later, and I feel like I have a story to tell. I’ve been silent too long — mostly out of sheer guilt (self-imposed and other-imposed, but mainly by  people who I’m sure feel terrified at the thought of a mortifying combination of my words, their actions and the one venue afforded by this blog).

I need to say it again: I’ve been silent far too long.

This post is not to vent but to be my honest, sometimes irreverent attempt to offer insights into the complexity of divorce, with dealing with the subsequent forced reinvention that occurs post-divorce; with coping when your heart is ripped from your chest as you are forced to leave your grandchildren for the other family to have equal time. As I sob telling myself it is what it is even when I want nothing more than to stay with them forever and never leave.

I have learned so much, yet I still have much to learn. I am stronger in many ways, but so much weaker in others. Well, I found a sweet perfect man to marry and I gave him a chance.  That was a HUGE step.

And that happened a year after the final divorce document was signed.

I hope you’ll join me in this journey — and forgive me for once in a while selfishly sharing seemingly mindless details that I just NEED to share. I promise, though, this will not become an endless rant or a place to bash; instead, I’m hoping to focus on reinvention —

I do hope you’ll offer your thoughts, send feedback, call me names, spread the word. There are too many of us who feel guilty because “forgiveness” is the ultimate goal or because “you can make this work if you just try.”

Not so. I’m living proof.

Apparently, there is an old Irish proverb that reads, “A grudge is a beautiful thing.” But I am trying my very hardest to not feel a thing!

 

 

 

Take me out to the ball game

Daniel and I attended a baseball game to watch Danielito play. He was good, one of the best players I may add and as he hit the ball I couldn't help to think of how busy life gets when you are a young mother of several young children going to numerous games and  practices.


I think it is wonderful that kids get all that exposure at doing things but it makes dinner time for some families almost non existent. I remember those days myself. Taking Cristi Bianca and Mandy to art, soccer, lacrosse, track and field, basketball, ballet, swimming, guitar, piano, violin, viola, singing and dancing lessons and not to mention girl scouts and church activities. All so insane but somehow it was important that they got involved on something. Life was busy, but I don't know how much all that stuff really mattered. I only know that you want them to be expose to as much as what is out there for them to explore and find out what they are really good at. Cristi found out she was great at photography, Bianca at singing and playing the guitar and writing songs and Mandy at art and writing.

Regional Conference

We attended a 65 stake Conference at the Conference Center today with Andres' family. Four of the five speakers we know personally. Elder Clayton who also conducted the meeting, Elder Arnold and Elder Andersen and his wife.


 Elder Arnold told of a story of his pet lamb that died and he promised himself never to lose another lamb. His talk was on the last sheep. Hastening the work and reactivation.


Sister Esplin from the Primary spoke on dedicating our time to teach our children. She said "Love is spell TIME" Have religious activities often like praying together, reading scriptures together, family home evening and conversing with one another on gospel topics.


Elder Clayton spoke on measuring up the way her grandmother used to measure how tall her grandchildren were on a pink frame door, it had to be pink because she loved the color pink. How do we measure up before God. Take a challenge to measure up for temple attendance.


Sister Andersen told us how she used to make copies of the Ensign after General Conference to give to each one of her children and grandchildren. Even as a young mother that is what she used for family home evening for the next six months before the next conference.


Elder Andersen was the last speaker and spoke that Davies county has many choice people as residents. (he lives in Bountiful himself) He spoke of Faith, Diligence and Patience. He read the scripture in Alma: 32:42-43 spoke of the new curriculum (where the students are now the teachers)Students don't just listen to lectures but are the ones participating actively on discussion of the topics. They learn as they teach each other. He also told the story of " The Lord does not balance his books in October" When a fellow was bragging how his crops were better than his because he worked on Sundays. Teach the children the importance of the temple.

The crate was found

The mystery was solved! After 4 years asking the company who moved us where a crate with 50 boxes was, they finally found it. Yipeee!


It turns out they had it in the section with the things that go over sees  and not stored with the rest of our stuff. I found the bin that had all my scrapbook albums. I can now start on a few of them I want to make before I forget. We went there to take another look at the things we left behind and frankly, we can easily get away without any of those things.

Quote for this day: “This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good.  What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…let it be something good.”

-Author Unknown

 

Thanks to Bishop Bateman

Today it is a time to reflect on how much we need to be grateful for people who have made an impact in our lives the way Bishop Bateman did for the children.


As a Bishop some 20  years ago when he was made President of BYU he was visiting Daniel's home.The children at the time were little, and were sitting around the dining table when they heard his advice that he wanted to see each one there to attend BYU. He also told them to get a job and to not buy a car because studies show that students who work part time do better in school than those who don't and also not having a car prevents them from getting too distracted.


 The advice was well taken since all and the Almeida brothers and sisters graduated from BYU.
Starting with Andres, Gabriel, Pablo, Alejandro, Analia, Valentina and now Hernan.


Today is an important date for our family as one more graduate enters into the real world. Hernan had an offer to work for Exon in Houston Texas and is moving there with his wife Rachael next month. As a graduation present we are giving him and Rachael a trip to the Dominican Republic.

Make the best of a bad situation

 Our last graduate from BYU  is Hernan. He is graduating with a Maters in Systems Analysis Management and we couldn't be more proud. We traveled all the way from the Dominican Republic to be present for this big event and wanted to enjoy every minute of it but at some point we supposed to have gone to take a photo by the Y with Rachael's family and somehow we never made it. It was probably because I took too long getting ready at the salon so it was a little disappointing but nothing we could do about it. It happened and we were all innocent. It wasn't like we intended not to be there on time for the picture, it was mostly that we didn't allowed enough travel time from Salt Lake to Provo.


 I could noticed that Daniel was a very upset we didn't take the picture but Oh well that's life!
The Almeidas remind me of my aunt Silvia's family. Silvia and Jeff Allred had eight children as well and all very closed in age. I think my aunt was either pregnant or holding a baby in her arms for 20 years. A woman by the name of Amy Anderson who also grew up in a large family wrote a funny story on her blog that I want to share since it had a good message. She wrote:

Growing up in a family of ten kids led to some awesome memories. One memory in particular that I thought about today was the following story:

We were sitting around our massive dinner table (it took a huge table to hold all 12 of us!). We were preparing to sing Happy Birthday to one of the kids in the family. It was always a mad scramble just before a birthday celebration at our house to come up with a last minute gift. We didn’t really get a regular allowance at our house so as kids we typically had no money to buy one another birthday presents. One sibling would grab a banana and throw it in a brown paper bag for every person’s birthday and give what came to be loving known as the “birthday banana”. It was cute how they always thought what was in their brown bag would come a huge surprise for whoever was opening it for their present. One birthday I ran around the house trying to find something I could wrap up and give away to the person celebrating their birthday. I had a large cookie I had been given as a handout or something earlier in the day so I took my cookie and lovingly wrapped it in a dishtowel since I couldn’t find any wrapping paper to use. I carefully carried my special cookie wrapped in its dishtowel to the kitchen table to wait to present it to the lucky birthday child. As we all sat there at the table singing Happy Birthday a cup was knocked over on the table and liquid ran everywhere. Eager to stop the liquid from spreading everywhere my sibling yanked the dishtowel from my hands, not realizing it contained my precious cookie, causing the cookie to go flying across the room into the wall where it crumbled into little pieces on impact. Shock and horror was my reaction. My wonderful birthday gift had been destroyed! Before I could even let the first tear fall from my eyes one of my older siblings laughing yelled “Well…That’s the way the cookie crumbles…” and everyone began to laugh, including me. Tears and sadness quickly turned to laughter and all of us kids sat around the table laughing like crazy. It was a great moment and a memory I will never forget. Then we all ate birthday cake and had a great night.

The reason I won’t forget it was that moment taught a great life lesson to me. When things go wrong in life, as they are always bound to do, we have two choices – we can cry about it and fall apart, or we can yell out loud “Well….that’s the way the cookie crumbles….”and then have a good laugh about it. However we choose the react to the situation it won’t change that our cookie crumbled. It hit the wall and it crumbled and there is no changing that now. So laugh about it, and then go eat some birthday cake and have a great night…then move forward toward the next better and brighter day. And cherish the memories along the way.

I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for my upbringing. I am grateful I had 9 brothers and sisters to be friends with and built sand castles and mud pies with in the backyard. I am grateful for the memories we created together as children and for the friendships we have as adults. I am grateful to parents who provided us that opportunity. And I am grateful to have my own little family that I get to be bonded with for eternity. I LOVE MY FAMILY!

Today’s challenge is to love your family and find time to reconnect with them. It will be worth it.

“Family, where life begins and love never ends”

~Amy

This story had a happy ending and that is the point of her message. Our story also  had a happy ending.  Rachael and her family prepared a nice get together for Herni at the Church. There was delicious food including some cute BYU cookies and she even had decorated it so cute. In that setting we were able to take pictures as well, so it all worked out just fine in the end.

the best kept secret for travel

My last trip coming in the US was a breeze, no hassles, no waiting in long lines, friendly people from ICE wow, this is amazing and my only regret is that I wish I had done it sooner.

Leaving on a jet plane!

Amazing all of what you do when you have to. The day before I travel happens to be the most productive day in months. NO time for facebook that is for sure!


I wish I was this productive all the time. I wonder how much I would get done but as soon as I get back, I tend to go back to my old habits of procrastination.


One good thing I did this time around is that I started packing four days before instead of the night before and it gave me enough time to think about all the little things we sometimes forget when we go on a trip. I also decided to pack lighter and that is hard to do. The trick is to color coordinate your clothes so that you don't have to take too many items. On my last trip I took nine pairs of shoes and they tend to be heavy, and that is all for now, time to get ready!

Attending a funeral

We heard of a sudden death of a dear sister who died way too soon and today was her funeral. Her husband started by saying we are one. I didn't want to have an open casket and only show a picture of her but we never found one because in every picture I was with her showing a picture of the two of them.  She was ready. She would accept gladly the Lord's will and died in peace.


The family has had their share of issues. First her sister died from childbirth and she and her husband decide to take care of their nieces and nephews. All is taking place while her husband is also waiting to get a kidney transplant getting dialysis every week and all of the sudden she gets sick and dies unexpectedly. It doesn't seem fair but somehow we all need to have faith that someday this family will be together again. So as I sad there listening to the speakers I only could think of so many times we are unhappy for no reason when we have our family members with us. What I love about attending a funeral is how much we appreciate and love people but don't say that enough to them when they are alive. Sister Roig had a beautiful soul. There were so many people who only had wonderful things to say about her and that is exactly what I want my family to say about me when I leave this earthly life.

The meaning of Easter Sunday

I prepared a class today to teach the 8 to 11 year olds in Primary. It is Easter Sunday so the class had a lot of activities that I didn't even get to. One was to give them a candy at the beginning of the class and to make them read a scripture and explained it to the class and if they did this, they would get a larger candy bar because they had earned it. Meaning that Christ gave us some things without us doing anything for them but other things we have earned them.


The other activity was to show them a picture of a dear loved one who has passed away and to explain that her body is buried but her spirit is still alive because of him.


There are also some scriptures that we discussed to review what he went through before his death. I had to gather things around the house like 30 silver coins, a cup, dice, a red cape, a white sheet, rope, nails, soap, rocks and dirt, spices and a  stone. Each was a symbol found in the scriptures.


We also had a questions and answer matching game and a blackboard of prophecy and fulfillment!


The main idea of this lesson was to teach One: Jesus Christ gave us the gift of immortality and Two Jesus Christ made it possible to gain eternal life.


All I know is that I would someday love to look at Him in the eyes and say to him. I am a believer!

Missionary seminar

At the missionary training we learned:


 Missionaries need to take an adjusting to missionary life training before they go out on the field because they need to know what to expect at a mission. Missions are very hard. It is also so important the need of taking safety seriously.


The members need to do the missionary work more than the full time missionaries and not the other way around. Members need to go out with the missionaries to the appointments with the investigators. It is better to find a match or someone the investigator can relate with.


Invite friends to come to Church especially if you or one of your family members are giving a talk.

Running a marathon from a distance

I have decided to not worry about placing pictures on this blog because this is my journal and I have another blog where I am posting pictures. Why have two blogs one may ask? Because a journal where you write your inner thoughts is not the same as a picture album.


Tomorrow I was going to be running the half marathon in Salt Lake. I always look for any opportunity to train for it because I feel so healthy when I train for one. I got registered six months ago, purchased plane tickets, had a place to stay and was happy to know that the marathon was going to be held on a holiday weekend, Easter to be exact!




I love running a half because I am not in great shape and I get to finish it about the same time that some people are finishing their whole marathon so I don't feel like a dork running it. (That's my little secret) In other words, I am not fast and need more time.




I was going to spend the week of Easter in Utah and stay for Hernan's graduation from BYU the next week and even stay an extra week for Women's Conference. A three week vacation. Well, it didn't happen. I turns out that today and tomorrow there is a Mission Presidents seminar that we are involved with and it used to be that only the Presidents came but now, they also invite their wife. I thought about what to do and prayed to know if I should still go or changed my plans to stay and extra week leave with Daniel next week.




It is probably a no brainer, I had the impression that I should stay in the DR with my husband instead of running. I will continue to train as if I was running it but is not the same. I don't feel as motivated and even a little depressed. I hate it when I feel that I have to do something and that I have to be somewhere when I wish I didn't so feeling like this, I have to repent. I have to feel happy that I have the amazing opportunity to go to the temple tonight and to be trained spiritually which it's even better than just training your body. My prayer today is to not think about the race too much and just enjoy the moment at the seminar, to feel fine and to be happy.

Son of God

Today we went to see Son of God and is one of those movies that you know the beginning, the plot and the ending but somehow you wished you could change the way it happened. You wish you could prevent from having Christ suffer so much. You want God to save him from all  that but it always ends the same way. He dies but what is even more important is that he is resurrected. He is now living and he is going to be back again. I have faith that he knows me, and he knows that I love him. the movie show a woman who goes to clean his face named Veronica and I felt as if she was me. I want to be the kind of woman that he can count on, a true disciple. Some posted this on facebook as a good reminder that He exists and this is what it said:

In a mother’s womb were two babies. One asked the other: “Do you believe in life after delivery?” The other replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”

“Nonsense” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”The second said, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we can’t understand now.”The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is so short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this physical cord anymore.”The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover if there is life, then why has no one has ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”“Well, I don’t know,” said the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother and she will take care of us.”The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could not exist.”Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”To which the second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive Her presence, and you can hear Her loving voice, calling down from above.” - Útmutató a LéleknekThe second said, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we can’t understand now.”

The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is so short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”

The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this physical cord anymore.”

The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover if there is life, then why has no one has ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”

“Well, I don’t know,” said the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother and she will take care of us.”

The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”

The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could not exist.”

Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”

To which the second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive Her presence, and you can hear Her loving voice, calling down from above.” - Útmutató a Léleknek

 

Driving in the DR

Most cars in  the DR are not this nice but this is the kind of car that hit us today as Grace, Daniel's secretary, was waiting for the light to turn green. I was in the back seat and felt the impact. We stopped the cars, got out to find a woman wearing a bikini driving her Mercedes Benz, she was with a young girl too so they were coming or going to the beach.

It is Easter week and people are often drunk. We discussed what had happend and she was blaming us so I took a picture of the damage but didn't think of taking a picture of her plates or asked for her driver license or her insurance information. Duh!  We waited for her to show up at the police station to report the accident which is what people do here.She followed us pretending she was going to meet us there but turned around and left the scene because she knew it was her fault and she was probably drunk so we couldn't report the accident without knowing who did it. Lesson learned. What is sad to me is that she was with a child. What is she teaching her?

I always tell my husband how I don't think we need to bother fixing cars here because we know these type of  fender benders happen all the time and it is almost useless but he says that these are the Church's vehicles and that there is a standard they keep so what I am upset about is that someone with a lot of money took advantage of us buy not paying for the damages she caused to The Church's  car but on the other hand she could be a woman of influence and could have blame it on us and got her way. It is always scary to deal with hartless people like that.

This only proves my point that I don't ever want to drive alone in countries where the law has no meaning. This is traffic anarchy like you have never seen. When we go out, I step my foot on the floor thinking that I would avoid any close encounters. You see motorcycles zigzagging and driving on either side of the road, public cars or taxis stopping for clients just about anywhere, and traffic at times coming against oncoming traffic. Not to mention pedestrians and stray animals. I can only say, my hat off to those brave people out there driving.

Why not her?

Today I went to the temple and asked my Heavely Father for a special favor. I asked to bless my sweet Bianca become a mother to her own children. It is hard for me to see her be so sad each time a treatment has failed her. She has tried everything and today they are going to do in vitro. I only hope there is a reason why our loving Heavenly Father has given her this trial and that someday we will understand the reason why? when other women abort and even kill their babies. Just a few days ago, a woman in Utah had killed seven new born babies who were found in a card box on her garage. What a senseless, gruesome and heinous crime! so that is why it is hard for me to see my child who would be such a perfet mommy, be childless. Not only she would be a good mother, but Joseph is so cute with kids. They would make wonderful parents. She wrote a journal entry two years ago that explains her feelings about wanting to be a mom and this is what she said and with her own words I will end this post.  

Mormon, Married, Musician, Mother!

Ok, before you make any assumptions...I'm not a mother (yet), and am not expecting. I just thought since yesterday was Mother's Day that I would write about these things that have been on my mind as of late related to Motherhood and other "M" words. I'll be the first to admit that these "M" words seem a bit odd to some. And actually I am a little bit odd to be completely honest. I've learned to embrace that. I am a Mormon. I do deeply believe in the doctrinal beliefs of Mormons. I believe I have a Heavenly Father who loves me (and everyone else for that matter) infinitely, and I have developed a personal relationship with Him as well as with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I came to this understanding through my own discoveries and experiences. I've actually never seen God with my own physical eyes, but I've felt Him in ways that are equally as powerful, and have seen His hand in my life on countless occasions. I just can't deny it. How grateful I am for the experiences that have helped me develop this believe, faith and relationship with God. It has become such a foundational part of me.

Here's the second truth- as most of you probably know...I am married. And to one of the greatest men on earth actually. I got married young, it's true. And I married young because it really felt right for me. There wasn't anyone else in the world I wanted to be with, ever! So we got married, and he and I are so much better together because of it. We'll have been married for 7 years this August (I can't believe it's been that long!!). I'm so grateful to have him in my life. I really am so blessed to be his wife. Really.

Thirdly, I am a musician (duh, this is my music blog after all). Not only do I practice music therapy during the day, but my life as a singer-songwriter is so much a part of me! I love it so much. I've recently learned that I have to start owning that a little more. I usually don't even mention that I am a singer-songwriter when people ask the predictable question of "What do you do?" I actually cringe when I hear that question because I automatically feel like whatever comes out of my mouth will ultimately determine what my worth and value to that person. "I'm a singer-songwriter and I perform around the city and tour a little around the country." To me there's something about that that doesn't sound very credible I guess. I don't know, or maybe I fear sounding narcissistic or something. But really, one of my greatest joys is creating music and sharing it with people. It tugs at my heart so much. Especially after a magical show where connections are made with the audience, or after writing a new song, or playing music with and collaborating among friends and other musicians. It brings me so much happiness. I honestly feel as though it is part of my purpose and/or calling in my life. I love it.
As for this last "M" word...being a mother. I am not a mother yet, no. However, the truth is...I want to be. I want to be so much so that it's a little painful even sometimes. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, but most especially in recent years. I have just had some infertility issues that have made it challenging. I usually don't talk about this too openly, mostly because I don't want people to feel awkward, and also because I fear the comments that often come after, "But you're so young! You've got plenty of time," "Wait, you want to have 4 kids! Why?!" "Maybe it's for the best, maybe you're not ready yet," or "Trust me, it's not that great anyway." I know no one means any harm in any comments they may make in our discussions about motherhood and wanting to be a mother, in fact usually people that I talk to about this are beyond compassionate and sensitive, and I really enjoy discussing my thoughts and feelings with them about it.

Sometimes though, people have asked me why I want to have children. From the outside perspective, if you look at my life, it is already so comfortable and may seem complete. Joseph and I have jobs we enjoy. We have a great marriage and we love each other a lot. We get to enjoy New York City, and I'm able to play music all around the city and even tour parts of the country. Why would we want anything to disrupt what we've already got going? That is a great question.

I want to be a mother because I feel it in my heart. It's almost as though my heart is going to burst with this love I feel for them, and I don't even know them yet. This innate desire continues to grow greater and greater as time goes by. There have been discouraging moments, and even a few tears shed because of it, but I have learned a lot through the process. I've learned that it's important to be happy, now. I can't wait for this future event to bring me happiness, it has to come from within me independent of my circumstances. I've learned that I need to strive everyday to be the best mother I can be for my future children. On the door of our apartment we have a sign that says, "Live in a way that your children would be proud." And that's what I try to do.

 I also want to be a mother because I can't wait to have babies with the man of my dreams. (Ha! That sounds a bit weird, but it's totally the truth). My husband is so good with kids, it's ridiculous. To see him with other people's children makes my heart melt...I can't even imagine how it will feel to see him play with our own. I can't wait to have a baby fall asleep on my shoulder. I can't wait to have them wrap their little fingers around mine. I can't wait to sing them to sleep and to kiss their cute chubby little face. I don't know exactly what it's like to be a mom, but I can only imagine that it's not going to be easy, and certainly won't be all fun and games. but I yearn for it in the deepest part of myself.

In fact, my song, "A Part of Me" was very much inspired by all of this. This song is basically the prayer I have in my heart. It's short and simple, but it is honest and genuine. Here's some footage of me recording it, I hope you enjoy. I also hope everyone had a very happy Mother's day. Mother's amaze me. Really really amaze me. I am grateful for their examples. I can't wait to be a mother someday too. In the meantime, I will try my best to live in a way that my children would be proud. In the meantime, I will strive to continue growing, sharing and learning so that I can be the best mother possible for my children when the time comes.

Thank you for reading and letting me share a part of myself with you.

 

A complicated love story.

I teach a Primary class in Church for children ages 8 to 11. Yesterday it was about the story in the bible of Jacob and Rachel. A beautiful story of Jacob's love for Rachel as he saw her for the first time. It was a love at first sight no doubt.

Jacob asked for her hand in marriage to his uncle Laban so the agreement was that Jacob work for his uncle for seven years in order to marry Rachel. When the seven years finally are up, he cant't wait to be with his beloved Rachel but Laban tricks him and gives him Leah instead.

Jacob now has to work for another seven years for Rachel but this time he can be marrid to Rachel also and this is where it gets complicated because the kids asked: Did he marry both at the same time? yes, I said. My goodnes this is hard to explain. But not only that, Leah starts having children and Rachel is barren just like Sarah so there is some envy and rivalry between the two sisters.

At this point Rachel gives her handmaid Bilhah to Jacob to be used as a surrogate mother and Leah desides to do the same thing with her handmaid Zilpah so in the end due to the bitter feelings of these two sisters, Jacob ends up with four wives and twelve children. (Poligamy is one of those things I will never understand in this life)  In the end Rachael dies after giving birth to her son Benjamin.

At the end of the lesson I had the children write down the sons of Jacob also known as Israel because he changed his name from Jacob to Israel and their posterity would be known as the twelve tribes of Israel.
 Leah had: Reuben, Simeon, Levi and Juda, Inssachar, and Zebulun  
Rachel had: Joseph and Benjamin
Bilhah had: Dan and Naphtali
Zilpah had: Gad and Asher
Now I don't feel too bad about any family with step brothers and sistes like mine.

To be spiritually fed

I love this time of the year every six months when we get to hear the most inspired talks by the Lord's true desciples at General Conference. I took a few notes from many of the talks and plan to listen to them every day as I start my day since it is hard to remember it all. I wrote on my notes a quote I liked by elder Uchtdorf: "How much of life do we miss by wating to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain." I feel that there is so much to be thankful for and I am so thankful for General Conference.

 G.C. It's what gas is to a car or a battery is to a cell phone. It charges me up to go on for another six months. It brings me hope for these latter days. All of the talks were excellent and full of wisdom I can't say I love one more than another because they were all wonderful.

 Bishop Gary Stevenson spoke of your 4 minutes making the anology of our time on earth like the time an athete competes in the Olympic games.

 Elder Scott said:" Every child of God in mortality chose the Savior's plan. Trust that given the opportunity, they will do so again.

" Sister Stevens said: "The gospel is not weight, it is wings to carry us."

" Elder Bednar said: ' We are not, and never need be, alone.

" Sister Burton express this thought: " HELP WANTED! Light and truth, serve as a mentor, listen to promptings, live the gospel daily, do family history, become a misonary , rescuers, covenant keepers, true disciples stepforward in righteousness"and so on and so forth.

  However, this one touched my heart as I listend to Sister Reeves said: " The only thing that need to be accoplished in the home are: Daily prayer, scripture study, and family home evening." and how true this is!  I believe that if I had listen to the counsel given to me and my future husband at the time by my Stake President, Bian Swinton in 1981 perhaps we would have not gotten a divorce. We started fine but with time ended up not praying together at night. We hardly ever read the scriptures and we were not consistent holding family home evening. As simple as those things are, they do keep you on the right track.

I am fine now with a husband that enjoys reading the scriptures and praying together with me. Not having children our Family Home Evenings are a daily thing not just on Mondays. If there is anything I wish every young family knew is to always remember to do these basic three things.

Leaving a legacy

 I am making a baby albun for Daniel with pictures his mother shared with me. I love the fact that she took the time to make him a baby book. In it, she has in detail things like: His first hair cut, first tooth, first word, when he first walked etc. She has it all posted with dates. All the gifts he received when he was born and all the presents he got for Christmas and birthday celebrations. I feel a little sad that I didn't do that with my all girls. I took a lot of pictures of Cristi and finished her baby album but didn't do that with Bianca and Mandy. I started those albums and never finished them. I don't even know what I did with them. I hope sometimes I could rewind time and go back to when I was a young mother. I don't know where the time went and why I didn't do those things that matter most. Why did I have to be involved in a million other things when I should have done more for my family? That will be one of my regrets in life but what I do now is make baby albums for others. Daniel has one that is very old, and what I decided to do is to make it better. His mom did a wonderful job with what she had at the time but the pages are all yellow and the pictures are gettig faded so before all that is gone, we have saved them in our computer and also shared them with the kids. I am taking what she wrote and I am placing them exactly how she had it but in an acid free album. I am also making albums of our family and so far I have done three. I have learned my lesson to not take those precious moments as a family for granted because one day they will be so valuable. I hope to do a better job from now on. It is never too late to start. This is why I have started writing in this blog more often.

I decided to start writing something on my blog daily if time permits it because I have never been good at keeping a journal and this is a good way of doing it without too much effort. Typing something is so much easier than hand writing thoughts that come to mind. I hope since I have a little more time on my hands now as an empty nester which will also allow me to be consistent.

In this blog I hope to share the values I stand for such as respect, going the extra mile, service, integrity etc. as well as special events, lessons I have learned, my personal goals, my family, I will share moments demonstrating the good times and the bad times or what some may say, the good, the bad and the ugly. As the wife of a DTA (Director of Temporal Affairs) I get to listen to amazing inspirational speakers and may experience wonderful things of the heart. I feel so lucky this way and would love to share those amazing moments.

You never know what I would write since it will all depend on my day to day activity and that is why I have named my blog One day at a time. You never know if the post will be a funny story, an inspirational thought, or an important event.  And so this blog will become the only way I can communicate effectively to the entire family. The Flores-Henriquez Almeida family is huge! This way I keep everyone in the loop and on the same page.

I want to leave a legacy to my children and grandchildren and this is why this blog is in English, my second language. Most of my family is in the United States and want them to feel like they are part of me no matter where I am living and want them to know of everything going on each day around my life. In addition, it will let everyone in my family know exactly what my core values are and what matters to me the most.

 I can honestly say that for the first time at age 54 I have felt the need to write my life story, a daily message in hopes I can be connected with all who know me but mostly my children and grandchildren. I heard a quote once who stated “In life you will realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you. But most importantly…some will bring out the best in you.” My hope is for my children and grandchildren to learn from my experiences good and bad and especially not make those same mistakes I have made. To know me so when the time comes when I have passed on, they can honestly say: “I knew what she stood for.”

 

Let me give you a hand

As I am typing, I am waring a brace. I am suffering from what it's called Carpal Tunnel Syndome. Is a condition that develops slowly. At first you are to most likely notice it at night or when you first wake up in the morning.

 I remember when I went to see the doctor and got a test done years ago and sure enough it was carpal tunnel from using my hands gluing folders for the print shop all those years. It has never affected me all too much until this past week. It has been terrible.

 The feeling I get at night is like pins-and-needles pocking at my hand. That sensation causes a lot of pain. It feels as if my hands are on fire but have fallen asleep at the same time and hurting. Not only that, but the feeling is almost as if my hands are on fire too. They hurt!

 During the day it begins to go away with a tingling sensation when holding things like a phone or a book or when I botton my shirt or when driving. My hands go numb so I get them in ice water, get them massaged and shake them because that always seems to help but if it persists, I take an advil, and how I hate taking drugs. I will probably have to get surgery, the only problem is that it only works for a few years because it tends to come back even worse.

 Moral of the story, I wish I had known back then what I know now. I would not have touched a single folder to glue. That is one thing I regret doing since I wasn't appreciated anyway and in the end it didn't matter working my finger to the bone. At times I want to cry. It hurts!