I am preparing for my Institute class tomorrow on a topic of going through trials that perhaps many of my students have not experienced yet because they have not lived long enough but I have. I remember vividly when I turned 40 in January of 2000 we had gone to El Salvador to spend Christmas, New Years and my birthday which all come at once since my birthday is January 3rd! Family and friends gathered around me with the birthday cake in front of me to sing the Happy Birthday song. As I was about to blow out the candles, people around me said: "make a wish" so I thought for a moment on what I could wish for but I couldn't think of anything I wanted. I had it all. I was financially sound, had good health, and a loving family and an amazing extended family and wonderful friends. What more could I ask? So without making one solitary wish, I blew out the candles.
I honestly thought I would be the only person in the whole wide world that would be so blessed and so loved from my Heavenly Father that he would never give me anything to cause me to experience pain. I truly thought I was very special in that regard. I thought he must love me that much because up to that point anything I ever really wanted, had happened! Not only that but I was born in El Salvador where 95% of people there are born into poverty by US standards and many experience hunger. I never had to go trough anything like that. There was always plenty of food at my table growing up and we would travel the world as a family. I went to the best international school where only the very wealthy or expat children attended. My father was very successful in his radio and broadcast businesses and he was well respected. The family dynamics where not ideal but very typical of many Salvadoran families and I am not one who would judge, only the Lord knows why my mother had to put up with that type of unhealthy relationship. In other words, they were not officially married. But despite of my dysfunctional family which in today's liberal world this type of thing would be considered normal, that is probably the only thing I could have wished for, but at that moment I was only thinking about my life and my life was perfect!
Little did I know that only three years later, I would be crying desperately and on my knees begging my Heavenly Father to fix this! I was in total agony over losing the only thing that mattered to me, my family the way it was. I know I will always have my children, but I wanted also to include my husband as part of my family, however, he had declared: "I love you but I'm not in love with you." This made me think like when you love a dog but you are not in love with your dog. "You got alligator hands " " I feel that I'm in bed with my grandmother" "I don't love you, I don't feel attracted to you and I can't be with a woman that I don't love." " look at you, crying makes you even uglier and I'm sorry I can't console you." " go to hell." Anyone who is reading this might think, give me a break, give it up. he is gone forever!! But I went to his office one day and literally got on my knees, which is the most humiliating thing I have ever done in my life, I stared at his face and said: "please, don't do this to our family." think of our girls, think how this is going to hurt them. I don't want you to leave because of me, I just need for you to do all you can to make our marriage work for our girls. We were married in the temple and brought them into this world and they deserve better than this. We need to be a good example to them. I will wait patiently however it takes but please reconsider and the answer of course was, "I have made up my mind!"
The year 2004 began, I learned that year, My husband of 23 years had started been having an affair with a woman he met in El Salvador when he went on a trip a year ago with his brother Randy. So the next most humiliating thing I did was to get checked at a health clinic for HIV. This woman he had the affair was a prostitute but he didn't care. You are probably thinking Oh my goodness, what a jerk! Yes but, I was willing to forgive all of that because I was married in the TEMPLE for all Time and ETERNITY! That is a serious thing! I wanted my life to continue as a fairy tale and wanted for all this one thing to go away, so I prayed, and prayed and prayed some more and I would ask, Father, Where are thou? Do you still love me? I got no answer. I waited, and waited, and waited and finally gave up! On August 20, 2008, a day I would never forget because it happens to be our daughter's birthday ( Bianca) a judge signed the divorced decree. And that is when I learned, I was not all that special. I became like everybody else. I was not granted my only wish. A righteous wish, the only thing I ever really, really wanted!
It is amazing that ten years later I can write and talk about this without crying and that is because in spite of all of that huge disappointment, I have become a better person. My pride is gone! I can empathize with women like me and I have become strong. I have been instrumental in helping other single moms because I can relate to them. I also have looked at my previous marriage and changed a few things to make this one even better. My new life now is again like a fairy tale. Daniel, my new husband, loves me for who I am INSIDE. He finds value in me as a person and is not interested on the way I look on the outside. He knows we will both get old together and he is fine with that. He knows one day we will be resurrected and our bodies will be perfect, even more perfect than what they are today. He LOVES me so much, He is a great EXAMPLE to my children and a wonderful father and step-father. Someone who lifts me up and puts me in a pedestal. Honestly for every tear I had shed in the past now I can only smile and feel so much happiness. He is so incredible and so perfect for me. He treats me like a QUEEN, he loves everything I do and appreciates me the way I am. What a great blessing he is in my life and I am so thankful for him. He was so sweet at the dinner table on thanksgiving as people went around saying what they were thankful for, he said he was thankful for ME. How sweet is that!!
There is a happy ending to this story and that is all that matters. I feel so blessed today because ten years later in the Santo Doming temple I received my answer when I asked Heavenly Father where are thou? and DO YOU STILL LOVE ME? His answer came when I had a very special experience at the temple the other day. I am a temple worker there on Thursday mornings and my assignment was to be at the foot of the stairs to motion people coming down the stairs where to change. This experience confirmed me how much God loves me. it's an experience I will never forget! As the missionaries from the MTC who attend the temple on Thursdays were coming down from the stairs I felt this indescribable feeling as if I was floating from the immense feeling of happiness and pure joy as they were coming down like if those were true angels as I have never felt before, it was pure heaven. I felt as if we were all there in heaven. It was like my heavenly father was saying to me. Here I am to tell you that I love you! I felt his embrace that only God can give, my body was shaking from this amazing feeling, and tears were running down my face. I could almost touch him. It was a testimony that I can't ever deny the fact that I felt of God's love and I was assured that he loves me in a way I have never felt before. I also learned that the trials in life have nothing to do with how much he loves me. As a matter of fact I was made known that he loves everyone one the same. He has no favorites. I also felt a sense of love for all those people there in the temple like I wanted to go hug all those angels and say, to them with a pure honest heart. I love you!
Last Thursday the temple was open since Thanksgiving is not celebrated in the D R and again I went to the temple that morning as usual but this time with a very thankful heart. I understood the meaning of God's love and that is the most precious thing to me now. As we went around the dinner table on thanksgiving that evening to tell others what we are thankful for, this is secretly what I am truly thankful for but it was not the opportune time to reveal it so I said something to the effect that I am grateful for the Holiday itself because there is no other country who sets a day apart to give thanks. But for the record and this is why I got it written, I am thankful for my Heavenly Father's love! over all!!
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