CREATE

Yesterday was Liz and Craig Vanleeuwen's 36th wedding anniversary. I remember how they had struggled the first two years of their marriage but they found a way to make it work. So the million dollar question is what causes divorce? And how to prevent it?  Dr. Mark Goulston appearing on Oprah a few years ago said: " A marriage like a computer come preinstalled with loveware."


When you buy a computer it comes preinstalled with software. And when you get it out of the box, plug it in, you hear those wonderful chimes on Mac or on PC Windows that signal you're good to go.


Then your honeymoon starts and you are zooming through the internet and using all your productivity software. But  then you hit a glitch. A screen freezes, documents go unsaved, time to reboot. Over time the glitches get worse. Sometimes you have to reinstall the software and sometimes you even have to reinstall the operating system. I've actually reinstalled software, but when it's a matter of operating systems or even motherboards, I get a little sick to my stomach.


When that happens you can rapidly begin to feel vulnerable and exposed and that vulnerability can cause you to hate the technology that just months ago you loved taking out of that box when you got home from Best Buy or the Apple store.


When you fall in love, that comes preinstalled with "loveware" and an operating system called love."
He uses a mnemonic CREATE ( as in CREATE love) to make each program easier to remember.


C= Chemistry= is about romance, excitement, sex and passion.
R= Respect =is about both feeling it towards and from each other and proud and lucky to have this other person as your spouse.
E= Enjoyment= AKA "fun" is pretty straightforward...you know that's where you each put a smile on each other's face.
A= Acceptance= Where you unconditionally accept and feel accepted for each other's essence, based on who you each are, not what you each do.
T= Trust= knowing that they will do what they say they'll do.
E+ Empathy = Where you understand and feel understood by each other.


Yep, When you fall in love, all of these feel present. But alas. Just as with our computers, each and sometimes all of the different loveware programs develop glitches. The challenge is that when these inevitable glitches develop, couples do not have a way to reinstall their loveware. And when the operating system falls apart and they not only stop loving each other, they barely tolerate each other and neither knows what to do to make it better. Hatred is the result of  hurt and disappointment not being addressed early enough to prevent it from turning frustration, anger, hostility and in  the end bitterness. Trying at this point to fix the problem is too late! Moral of the story, work on your marriage every day and not just when you feel you need help.