Remembering those who are gone

It is strange to be in another country on a significant holiday, that is not celebrated where we are but nevertheless we manage to think of those men and women who died serving in the military. It’s also become a day to honor all of those who were near and dear to our hearts that have passed on. People place flowers on graves and flags on graves during this holiday to show respect and appreciation to those who have passed.  In the U.S. It’s hard to drive by a cemetery during this holiday and not feel the emotion of how loved and missed people are when you see the flowers and flags every few feet across the cemetery. It’s heartwarming to see that outpouring of love and its sad at the same time to think of how missed those loved ones are.

 

I saw this story of a little boy and his tree. 

 

“There once was a little boy who loved Lucky Charms breakfast cereal. One day he showed his father he could get a free tree by sending in some box tops. The father thought this was a “long shot” but thought there was no harm in trying. The box tops were mailed off, and a few weeks later a Manila envelope came addressed to this little boy. He looked at the package in wonder, could THIS be his tree? 

 

Upon opening the envelope there was a little twig with some roots… not quite the vision the little boy had. So he and his daddy planted the twig in a paper cup and faithfully watered it. Soon it was very green and out growing the paper cup, so they moved it to a nice pot, then a bigger one, a still bigger one… then finally to a small flower bed in the front yard… and it grew and grew!! The family was building a new house, so the little pine tree, now about 3’ tall was transplanted to a whiskey barrel to make the move. It lived happily in the whisky barrel until some 7 years later the family built another new home on the side of the mountain. The tree was now about 7’ tall and required equipment to load it into a truck to make the 15 -mile trip to its new home in August of 2002. 

 

The little boy was now a fun loving young man, who sadly passed away on November 23, 2014. His Lucky Charms tree is growing tall and strong. A beautiful reminder to our family of this boy we all love.”

 

Happy Memorial Day to each of you, wherever you are and how you celebrate this day. 

 

Con amor,

Vero

Sunday Sermon "The Sabbath is a Delight"

Dear brothers and sisters, these two days of conference have been glorious. We have been uplifted by inspiring music and eloquent prayers. Our spirits have been edified by messages of light and truth. On this Easter Sunday, we again unitedly and sincerely thank God for a prophet!

The question for each of us is: because of what I have heard and felt during this conference, how will I change? Whatever your answer might be, may I invite you also to examine your feelings about, and your behavior on, the Sabbath day.

I am intrigued by the words of Isaiah, who called the Sabbath “a delight.”¹ Yet I wonder, is the Sabbath really a delight for you and for me?

I first found delight in the Sabbath many years ago when, as a busy surgeon, I knew that the Sabbath became a day for personal healing. By the end of each week, my hands were sore from repeatedly scrubbing them with soap, water, and a bristle brush. I also needed a breather from the burden of a demanding profession. Sunday provided much-needed relief.

What did the Savior mean when He said that “the sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath”?² I believe He wanted us to understand that the Sabbath was His gift to us, granting real respite from the rigors of daily life and an opportunity for spiritual and physical renewal. God gave us this special day, not for amusement or daily labor but for a rest from duty, with physical and spiritual relief.

In Hebrew, the word Sabbath means “rest.” The purpose of the Sabbath dates back to the Creation of the world, when after six days of labor the Lord rested from the work of creation.³ When He later revealed the Ten Commandments to Moses, God commanded that we “remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.”⁴ Later, the Sabbath was observed as a reminder of the deliverance of Israel from their bondage in Egypt.⁵ Perhaps most important, the Sabbath was given as a perpetual covenant, a constant reminder that the Lord may sanctify His people.⁶

In addition, we now partake of the sacrament on the Sabbath day in remembrance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.⁷Again, we covenant that we are willing to take upon us His holy name.⁸

The Savior identified Himself as Lord of the Sabbath.⁹ It is His day! Repeatedly, He has asked us to keep the Sabbath¹⁰or to hallow the Sabbath day.¹¹ We are under covenant to do so.

How do we hallow the Sabbath day? In my much younger years, I studied the work of others who had compiled lists of things to do and things not to do on the Sabbath. It wasn’t until later that I learned from the scriptures that my conduct and my attitude on the Sabbath constituted a sign between me and my Heavenly Father.¹² With that understanding, I no longer needed lists of dos and don’ts. When I had to make a decision whether or not an activity was appropriate for the Sabbath, I simply asked myself, “What sign do I want to give to God?” That question made my choices about the Sabbath day crystal clear.

Though the doctrine pertaining to the Sabbath day is of ancient origin, it has been renewed in these latter days as part of a new covenant with a promise. Listen to the power of this divine decree:

“That thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day;

“For verily this is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High. …

“And on this day … let thy food be prepared with singleness of heart that thy fasting may be perfect, … that thy joy may be full. …

“And inasmuch as ye do these things with thanksgiving, with cheerful hearts and countenances, … the fulness of the earth is yours.”¹³

Imagine the scope of that statement! The fulness of the earth is promised to those who keep the Sabbath day holy.¹⁴ No wonder Isaiah called the Sabbath “a delight.”

How can you ensure that your behavior on the Sabbath will lead to joy and rejoicing? In addition to your going to church, partaking of the sacrament, and being diligent in your specific call to serve, what other activities would help to make the Sabbath a delight for you? What sign will you give to the Lord to show your love for Him?

The Sabbath provides a wonderful opportunity to strengthen family ties. After all, God wants each of us, as His children, to return to Him as endowed Saints, sealed in the temple as families, to our ancestors, and to our posterity.¹⁵

We make the Sabbath a delight when we teach the gospel to our children. Our responsibility as parents is abundantly clear. The Lord said, “Inasmuch as parents have children in Zion … that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.”¹⁶

Years ago the First Presidency stressed the importance of quality family time. They wrote:

“We call upon parents to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles which will keep them close to the Church. The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place or fulfill its essential functions in carrying forward this God-given responsibility.

“We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities. However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely-appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform.”¹⁷

When I ponder this counsel, I almost wish I were a young father once again. Now parents have such wonderful resources available to help them make family time more meaningful, on the Sabbath and other days as well. They have LDS.org, Mormon.org, the Bible videos, the Mormon Channel, the Media Library, the Friend, the New Era, the Ensign,the Liahona, and more—much more. These resources are so very helpful to parents in discharging their sacred duty to teach their children. No other work transcends that of righteous, intentional parenting!

As you teach the gospel, you will learn more. This is the Lord’s way of helping you to comprehend His gospel. He said:

“I give unto you a commandment that you shall teach one another the doctrine of the kingdom.

“Teach ye diligently … , that you may be instructed more perfectly … in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God.”¹⁸

Such study of the gospel makes the Sabbath a delight. This promise pertains regardless of family size, composition, or location.

In addition to time with family, you can experience true delight on the Sabbath from family history work. Searching for and finding family members who have preceded you on earth—those who did not have an opportunity to accept the gospel while here—can bring immense joy.

I have seen this firsthand. Several years ago, my dear wife Wendy determined to learn how to do family history research. Her progress at first was slow, but little by little she learned how easy it is to do this sacred work. And I have never seen her happier. You too need not travel to other countries or even to a family history center. At home, with the aid of a computer or mobile device, you can identify souls who are yearning for their ordinances. Make the Sabbath a delight by finding your ancestors and liberating them from spirit prison!¹⁹

Make the Sabbath a delight by rendering service to others, especially those who are not feeling well or those who are lonely or in need.²⁰ Lifting their spirits will lift yours as well.

When Isaiah described the Sabbath as “a delight,” he also taught us how to make it delightful. He said:

“If thou turn away … from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, … and shalt honour [the Lord], not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words:

“Then shalt thou delight thyself in the Lord.”²¹

Not pursuing your “own pleasure” on the Sabbath requires self-discipline. You may have to deny yourself of something you might like. If you choose to delight yourself in the Lord,you will not permit yourself to treat it as any other day. Routine and recreational activities can be done some other time.

Think of this: In paying tithing, we return one-tenth of our increase to the Lord. In keeping the Sabbath holy, we reserve one day in seven as His. So it is our privilege to consecrate both money and time to Him who lends us life each day.²²

Faith in God engenders a love for the Sabbath; faith in the Sabbath engenders a love for God. A sacred Sabbath truly is a delight.

Now, as this conference comes to a close, we know that wherever we live we are to be examples of the believers among our families, neighbors, and friends.²³ True believers keep the Sabbath day holy.

I conclude with the farewell plea of Moroni, as he closed the Book of Mormon. He wrote, “Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then … are ye sanctified in Christ.”²⁴

With love in my heart, I leave this with you as my prayer, testimony, and blessing in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Only the very good die young

Mark Eaton was found unconscious following a bicycle crash near his home. Authorities believe that Eaton, 64, was riding through the neighborhood when he crashed. There were no witnesses and there is no reason to believe a vehicle was involved in the incident. Eaton was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. 

 

My thoughts go to his family. I knew him when I taught at Reid School. He was one of the famous parents who attended every school activity. To his wife Teri and the children, the sad news of his unexpected passing must be devastating.

 

It’s a good thing he wrote a book: “The Four Commitments of a Winning Team” and by leaving his thoughts in print he won’t be forgotten. The following has been written about him: "Mark Eaton was a 7'4" NBA All-Star, two times Defensive Player of the Year motivational speaker, entrepreneur, and author. 

 

I learned from Richard Paul Evans that Evans helped him write his book. Mark Eaton was passionate about sharing his teamwork message and has spoken to many world-class organizations including IBM, FedEx, Phillips 66, Caesars Entertainment, HEAD USA, Big O Tires, TD Ameritrade, Farmers Insurance, T-Mobile, Habitat for Humanity, and LG—as well as businesses, government agencies, and universities at every level.

 

He has been featured as a team building expert in print and online publications such as Forbes.com, Sports Illustrated, and Entreprenuer.com. In addition to his work on team building, Eaton is managing partner in two award-winning restaurants in Salt Lake City, Tuscany and Franck’s, recently voted Best Restaurant in Utah. When Mark was not speaking, writing, or working he enjoyed traveling with his wife Teri, horseback riding, mountain biking, skiing, and the outdoors. He lived in Park City, Utah with his wife, children, horses, dogs, and barn cats."

 

Mark was no doubt a Utah Jazz legend but most of all, he never forgot his humble beginnings. Mark Eaton was known by people who knew him as a gentle giant. R.I.P.

 

Con amor,

Vero

Ubuntu

Ubuntu 

I remember some time ago, I heard the word Ubuntu and it seemed that everyone in the room knew what it meant. I did what everyone does and googled it and this is what I found. 

 

"In certain regions of South Africa, when someone does something wrong, he is taken to the center of the village and surrounded by his tribe for two days while they speak of all the good he has done. 

 

They believe each person is good, yet sometimes we made mistakes, which is really a cry for help. They unite in this ritual to encourage the person to reconnect with his true nature. The belief is that unity and affirmation have more power to change behavior than shame and punishment. This is known as Ubuntu- humanity towards others." 

 

What a wonderful way to handle bad behavior. I love this! 

 

Con amor,

Vero

Bill Marriott

All things being equal, if I am booking a hotel I always look to see if there is a Marriott. I do it mostly because I like his founder Bill Marriott and here is why, taken from an article of his life. 

“Bill Marriott puts faith at the forefront of his life, and that's no secret. In the rooms in his hotels guests can find a copy of the Book of Mormon and Bible. At a party celebrating the opening of his $24-million Los Angeles hotel Bill recalled a memorable moment with John Wayne: “He was a very large man and a man of few words, but he let me know exactly what he wanted—a drink—when he said, ‘I understand liquor flows like glue at Mormon parties.’” There was little doubt in any one's mind that to Bill Marriott, faith and family came first.”

Staying Humble

Bill was actively involved in rearing his own children. Being one of the wealthier families in America created the risk of those children being spoiled, so Bill and Donna wanted to do all they could to prevent that. “My parents had the philosophy that we only spend money on education and travel,” Debbie said. “We didn’t grow up with fancy cars or a big house.” The only exception was that each of the children got a car when he or she turned 16. Bill explained, “That was about the only thing we indulged in, but it was probably because we didn’t have to drive the kids around then.”

If the Marriott children wanted money, they could work for it. . . .

Humility was one of the greatest lessons Bill and Donna felt they could convey to their children. By their behavior over the decades, no one could accuse them of showboating at public functions or acting as if they deserved the spotlight. Bill felt strongly that the family wealth threatened to make his children prideful if he and Donna did not pass on their own natural self-effacement. “We used to say, ‘There are no big shots in this family.’ And that’s the way we’ve operated,” Bill said.

The lesson worked, even during the teenage years, when adolescence tends to induce a sense of entitlement. In 1970, Washington Post magazine writer John Carmody joined Bill and his family for several weeks of close observation. He concluded in his comprehensive profile: “Bill Marriott has a family that looks as if it had just marched out of a life insurance commercial. . . . Their church is an integral part of their lives: they truly do pray together and play together. When they are out in public the boys shake hands solemnly with the grownups and they all, mom and dad and the kids, fall into a laughing, easy comradeship that makes the people at the next table, or wherever, look and smile back without quite knowing why. It is, in sum, one of those families a great many people in the United States still hope to have.” . . .

In spite of his career demands, Bill put his Christian faith first, which included serving in a succession of ecclesiastical positions in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. . . . Bill became a high councilor in the Washington D.C. Stake in 1974.

The most rewarding high council assignment for Bill was his role in the opening of the Washington D.C. Temple in 1974, a building for which his father had lobbied over the years. The massive, six-spired edifice covered with white Alabama marble was showcased for the public during an open house in September and October. A total of 758,322 visitors toured the temple. Bill was tasked with hosting a day for business VIPs. They began their tour with breakfast at the Key Bridge Marriott, where Bill had salted the crowd with Latter-day Saint executives from the company among the tables to answer questions about the Church. In conjunction with the open house, Allie, a Kennedy Center board member, arranged for a September concert by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at the Center, which was attended by newly inaugurated President Gerald Ford and the First Lady.

More often than not, Church work for Latter-day Saints, even famous ones, is anonymous or behind the scenes. Few in the Church in high or low positions escape the thankless task of setting up or taking down chairs for church meetings or cleaning the buildings. Bill was not above that duty. On the Saturday before the D.C. temple dedication services, Allie reported that Bill was exhausted from carrying chairs up six flights of stairs in the temple for two hours. “It made him sick, since he was still weak from the stomach flu he just got over.”

A New Calling

Life-altering personal events in the summer of 1975 competed for Bill’s attention. Debbie graduated from high school and went off to Brigham Young University, and the family became fully aware of Stephen’s multiple health issues. When Stephen was about twelve years old, he began to lose his hearing, but it was a couple of years before either he or his family realized it. His parents had gotten used to Stephen’s “What’d you say?” during conversations. A few days after Debbie’s graduation, Donna felt prompted to ask Stephen, “Are you not hearing me or just not listening?” Stephen thought about it for a moment, and then he said that maybe he couldn’t hear as well as other people. He was soon diagnosed with a severe and potentially degenerative hearing loss. “My dad put his arms around me, and he sometimes cried with me. He also spent all day waiting with me at hospitals.”

In the same month as Debbie graduated and Stephen was diagnosed, Bill received a significant change in his Church assignment, to become bishop of his ward—the equivalent of a pastor. He reluctantly agreed to what essentially amounted to a full-time volunteer job. The day before the news was announced to the Chevy Chase Ward, [Bill's father] J.W. did something almost unheard of in the Church. He called the President of the Church to ask that Bill’s assignment be rescinded. He knew President Spencer W. Kimball would give him a respectful hearing because they were friends. Kimball took J.W.’s phone call and listened as J.W. said Bill was simply too busy at Marriott to be a bishop on the side. “This calling was approved by our First Presidency, and we’re not going to reverse it,” Kimball replied.

A key reason for Bill’s unhesitating acceptance of this new call was his admiration and respect for the man who had issued it, President Kimball. . . . The Marriott family knew Kimball to have a spirit far stronger than his body. He had stayed at the Marriott home in 1957 on his way to New York for an operation for his throat cancer, and he had greatly impressed Bill and J.W. with his insistence on performing extensive duties in spite of his illness.

“If someone were to ask me who was the most powerful and influential man in the world today, it would be President Kimball,” Bill unabashedly pronounced during the Latter-day Saint prophet’s life. “He is the most dynamic leader of the Church in this century. But to me, his greatness is in compassion and humility. He has said his life is like his shoes: to be worn out in service. He has been an example of complete submissiveness to the will of the Lord, of meekness and love.”

For President Kimball’s part, Bill’s acceptance of the call to serve as bishop increased the prophet’s fondness for his friend’s son. In letters to J.W., President Kimball often inquired after Bishop Marriott, calling him “delightful,” “excellent,” and “a credit to the Marriott name.” In one of the sweetest moments in Donna’s memory, after a standing-room-only regional meeting at the new Washington D.C. Stake Center, President Kimball took the time to stop and give two-year-old David a kiss on the cheek. . . .

An Act of Faith

Bill’s ready acceptance of the call to service might have been the greatest act of faith he had ever shown. He felt ill-prepared and thought the timing couldn’t be worse. As the CEO of a $732-million company in the middle of a recession, his plate was already full. He coped by delegating and organizing and by using his business skills at church to make sure the trains ran on time.

He found himself in charge of a large contingent of Hispanic Latter-day Saints who were absorbed into the heavily Anglo Chevy Chase Ward when their own congregation was disbanded. The Hispanic members felt they had lost their footing, so Bill created a “translation booth,” from which English-to-Spanish translations of sermons were transmitted via headphones to the Spanish speakers seated in nearby pews. When one of them spoke from the pulpit, a simultaneous translation into English was piped into the chapel.

The work of a Latter-day Saint bishop is partly administrative but also heavily weighted with one-on-one care for congregants and pitching in alongside everyone else. True to the family motto, Bill’s “no-big-shots” behavior impressed everyone. He was often one of the last to leave after a ward social event, and, with his family, he could be found in the church kitchen doing dishes and mopping the floors. . . .

Bill said, “Some of the happiest moments I ever had as a bishop were when a member came to me and said, ‘I want to come back. I’ve been outside the Church for many years and I have not found happiness. I know that the other way is not good. I want to return to the gospel.’ What a great thrill and blessing it was to bring back just one member to that joy.”

As a bishop, Bill presided over Sunday worship services, performed marriages, conducted funerals, attended ward socials, and went on ward campouts. It was, perhaps, the latter that was the greatest challenge. He hated camping and would outfit a full bed in the back of his station wagon to avoid sleeping in a tent. David Fell, who was the ward executive secretary for Bishop Marriott, recalled that Bill would also don a sleeping mask that made him look like the Lone Ranger. “That’s how he survived the campouts. But he came, and that spoke volumes.” . . .

Perhaps only in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints could a Fortune 500 CEO counsel with a Church member about a deeply personal issue one day and then report to work the next morning and make multimillion-dollar decisions. “As bishop, I was dealing with every kind of thing imaginable—marital problems, kids on drugs, people in abject poverty who couldn’t get jobs,” Bill recalled. At first, he wore himself out in the effort. “It took about six months before he realized there was no way he could solve all those problems. He wasn’t a trained psychologist. He was just one man. He decided he could do no more than to do the best he could and pray that would suffice,” Donna said. . . .

Looking back on Bill’s time as bishop, Donna considered it nothing short of miraculous that her husband could fit it all in. “When he became bishop, I didn’t know where he would find the extra time he needed to do it,” she said, “but the Lord blessed him to carry out his calling. We had a wonderful spirit in our home. He was able to do what needed to be done as bishop, still keep up with his job, and always be at home when he was needed.” Blessings aside, though, the time-consuming calling could not help but sap some of his energy. “He had very, very long Sundays,” Donna recalled. “First there were the church meetings, and then he’d stay after church to counsel with people in his church office. After that, he’d make hospital visits or go to the members’ homes to talk with them. Then he’d go to work Monday morning just wrung out. People couldn’t understand why he was so tired on Monday. They’d all been out playing golf.” . . .

In May 1977, after two years in his Church calling, Bill was released as bishop to take an assignment as the first counselor in a new Washington D.C. Stake presidency. After the reception honoring Bill as the outgoing bishop, Allie recorded with exultation: “All said Billy was the best Bishop they had ever had.” It had been a time when Bill said “the need to rely on the Lord became very important to me.”

Longtime friend Jon Huntsman observed a few years after his friend’s release as bishop that “the happiest I’ve ever seen Bill was when he was bishop—when he was literally working around the clock with families who didn’t have anything. He seemed to thrive in that atmosphere. He radiated a sense of inner peace and contentment.”

Two decades after his release as bishop, Bill reflected that the service “really brought me to a much better understanding of our associates in our company—what kind of problems they have in making ends meet, in trying to raise their families, trying to get their kids to do right, trying to provide healthcare and pay the light bill, the heat bill, the rent. When you’re the CEO of a company, it’s hard to really understand what’s going on in people’s lives that are working down in the trenches. The Church job gave me more empathy. I became a better listener because of it. Those two years became an anchor in troubled times. No question about it.”

 

Read more about Bill Marriott's life in Bill Marriott: Success Is Never Final—His Life and the Decisions That Built a Hotel Empire.

Bill Marriott, son of J. Williard Marriott who opened a root-beer stand that grew into the Hot Shoppes Restaurant chain and evolved into the Marriott hotel company, grew up in the family business. In his more than fifty years at the company’s helm, Bill Marriott was the driving force behind growing Marriott into the world’s largest global hotel chain.

 

Bill Marriott: Success Is Never Final gives readers an intimate portrait of the life of this business titan and his definition of success. Bill shares details about his private struggles with his father's chronic harsh criticism; his innovations in the hotel industry; and the boundless passion and energy he demonstrated for his work, family, and faith. Bill also shares spiritual experiences that allowed him to recognize God's guidance in his personal life. This fascinating biography tells the story from Bill Marriott's first job in his family's restaurants to his monumental decisions in building a hotel empire. It is the remarkable story of a man who had the vision to create a multi-billion-dollar business, who understands the power of giving through substantial philanthropic work, and who lives the creed that hard work will pay off but success is never final.

 

Sharing part of the life of someone I look up to, helps me identify areas in my own life I need to work on. 

 

Con amor,

Vero

De-escalate

When tension is high due to political narrative, I adhere to this advice: de-escalate taken from an article I saw on the paper a few month ago. 

It’s a trendy term with ancient roots that gained prominence in the 1980s, when police departments across the country began training cadets on how to defuse tense situations. Jesus likely never used the word “de-escalate” but captured its essence when he said “blessed are the peacemakers” in the Sermon on the Mount.

De-escalation is essentially peacemaking, dialing back tension before a conflict gets worse. Professional peacemakers, such as diplomats and mediators, learn strategies to calm tension, just as police officers and other first responders do. Many medical providers receive training as well; a retired sheriff’s deputy in Wisconsin who teaches de-escalation said his company trains more nurses than any other profession.

De-escalation is not just a concept, but a practical set of strategies that anyone can learn. The techniques comprise a peacemaking toolbox that could help the next time you argue with your spouse or a co-worker, or are confronted with road rage. (Or if someone refuses to shake your hand on the dais in the House of Representatives or tears up your speech.) And fractured as it is internally, the U.S. is a world leader in teaching people in other nations how to calm down. Here are five techniques from experts in conflict management that can help you be a peacemaker in your family and community.

‘Ask as much as you say’

Juan Diaz-Prinz, a senior expert on mediation and dialogue at the U.S. Institute of Peace, has helped resolve conflicts in Bosnia, Nepal and Sri Lanka, among other places — as well as in his own home, where political differences among relatives can sometimes make family gatherings tense.

Diaz-Prinz lived and worked in Germany for eight years, and when he returned to the United States in 2018, said he was shocked to find how fractious his homeland had become while he was away, but he still believes the country can repair itself. “America is a leader in thinking on conflict resolution,” he said. “There’s a lot of hope. We need to get back to doing some of the things we know.”

Diaz-Prinz said that when people don’t think about their interactions in advance, they can quickly enter a “conflict spiral” that increasingly escalates. In this state, “Every reaction is a reaction, and that’s what you’re seeing in our country currently,” he said.

Professional mediators learn techniques such as reframing, or “looping,” and depersonalizing. In reframing, you listen carefully to what the other person is saying, then summarize and repeat what you believe you heard. This can help to defuse a tense situation because the other person recognizes that you’re listening with respect and trying to understand his position, not preparing a retort while he speaks. 

“It’s amazing to hear one side say something and it arrives completely different on the other side,” Diaz-Prinz said. “Summarize it and send it back by saying, ‘Did I understand correctly?’ Ninety percent of the time they will say, ‘No, that’s not my main point.”

To depersonalize, say only statements that begin with “I” — not with “you” since “you” statements are often accusatory and may not accurately represent what the other person believes. Another strategy, DIaz-Prinz said, is “appreciative inquiry,” which can be summed up as “ask as much as you say.” 

‘Don’t be the match’

Gary T. Klugiewicz worked for 25 years at a sheriff’s department in Milwaukee before retiring and co-founding Vistelar, a conflict-management institute that trains police officers, medical professionals and the military in de-escalation. In police work, Klugiewicz said, there’s a relevant adage: What’s the one fight you can’t lose? The one you don’t start.

That’s why much of his training centers on stopping conflict before it gets ugly. And the first way to do that is to act respectfully. That means being polite and listening, no matter how much you may dislike the other person’s words or behavior. “If we could bring down the level of disrespect, everyone would be safer,” Klugiewicz said.

Another strategy he teaches is to “respond, don’t react.” 

“A reaction is an untrained way of dealing with a situation,” he said. A response is thoughtful and can even be rehearsed. And the response may include another technique called redirection. Acknowledge what the other person is saying, and then redirect them to another topic that is less inflammatory.

Reacting is normal human behavior but shows “they’re an amateur,” he added. Peacemakers know that their words, tone and body language can escalate even small points of conflict into all-out war. “The initial contact is how it starts,” he said. “Don’t be the match that sets the gas on fire. So often we do that.”

Why we need aggression

Ellis Amdur, a crisis-intervention specialist in Seattle, holds degrees from Yale University and Seattle University, and this education helped him understand the roots of human aggression.

While he doesn’t believe aggressive behavior is getting worse — we just see more of it because of phone cameras — tensions have always been exacerbated when people are exposed to “others” outside of their tribe, because for so long, strangers represented danger. Also, ancient tribes would split up when they got too large because there were only so many people one tribe could support. In short, beyond our own, comforting circle, we can get testy. “Consider when you’ve had house guests for too long. … We just get irritable with too many people taking too much of our time and our peace for too long. It seems to be built into us,” Amdur said “Without aggression we wouldn’t exist; we couldn’t defend ourselves and our families,” he said. “Aggression is built in, and we get physical feedback to its benefit the moment we grow teeth, the moment we can push away another baby who wants the toy we want.”

 

As such, “If you’ve ever cared for a small child, you know a little bit about de-escalation,” he said: Parents know instinctively that distraction is one way of stopping a child from melting down. This works on angry adults as well. “Change the subject to something positive the person likes, that they are about,” Amdur said 

 

Canyoneering in slot canyons on the outskirts of Zion National Park, Friday, Sept. 6, 2013. Tom Smart, Deseret News

“Angry people can make a lot of noise, but they are generally trying to communicate with you, even though it’s one way; they don’t care much for what you have to say.” This is why Amdur teaches clients that you can’t solve a problem with an angry person; you have to de-escalate first.

 

Diaz-Prinz, who lives in Washington D.C., recently traveled to Zion National Park, where he realized that he knew hardly anything about the citizens of Utah even though they share the same country. The divisions between Americans aren’t just political; they’re also geographical. Studies have shown that 1 in 10 Americans haven’t traveled outside their own state. “I have the feeling that a lot of Americans don’t really know each other,” Diaz-Prinz said.

 

Some people are trying to do something about that. For example, a program called Hands Across the Hills brought residents of Kentucky and Massachusetts together after the 2016 election, to try to get residents of red states and blue states to understand each other

 

Dave and Carol Duncan, of Seneca, S.D., hold hands as they look up at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., on Thursday, Jan. 19, 2017. Spenser Heaps, Deseret News

 

Diaz-Prinz, meanwhile, is trying to meet more of his fellow Americans on his own. The average American only travels to 10 or 12 states in their lifetimes, he said; he’s at 26 now with a goal to make it to all 50. “We’re all Americans, and all very divided, but when we stand in front of the (General) Sherman Tree, or in Zion National Park, we forget that,” he said.

As for the heightened conflict in Washington D.C. in recent weeks, Diaz-Prinz says the political arena has become unruly in part because there has been an erosion of “ground rules” to which both parties used to abide. In international mediation, the first thing that mediators do is establish ground rules on discourse and civility. “They’re essential,” he said, and it’s up to political leaders to establish them.

 

Civility, a component of respect, is difficult for people who believe that being polite conveys weakness or capitulation. “But understanding the other side doesn’t mean that you agree with them.” It does, however, “require us to accept people we don’t like,” he added. “And that’s at the crux of what divides us.”

 

Con amor,

Vero

A quest for balance

I collect articles and this one, juggling glass in a quest for balance was so good that it stands on its own. Enjoy! 

 

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?

 

·       Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.

·       Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.

·       Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

·       Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.

·       Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

·       Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us each together.

·       Don’t be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

·       Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it’s impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

·       Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you’ve been, but also where you are going.

·       Don’t forget that a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.

·       Don’t be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.

·       Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.”

By Coca Cola CEO Brian Dyson 

 

There are some truly great lessons to be taken from it. I love learning from inspiring words and thoughts of others.  I highly recommend keeping your own book of motivational quotes and stories to read whenever you are having a difficult day. They work wonders for lifting you up and getting you back in a positive mindset. 

 

Con amor,

Vero