The name Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie are now household names because the sad turn of events of Gabby’s murder but that happens a lot more than you think.
Years ago, I worked for the Family Support Center and was listening to a friend tell us about her life with her ex-husband. If she only knew then (when she was dating him) what she knows now. Most of the times, what couples overlook in their relationship that is not going so well is the fact that they need to draw a line between determination and desperation. You cannot make them care unless they want to by heart.
Here are 18 Signs that you are dating the wrong guy.
They make themselves the focus of attention
While you are making sure about your partner’s needs, desire, and such to be met accordingly, it eventually leaves no room for you and all the things that you are doing for their “me-world.’
This is a major sign that they do not care about you nor the relationship to make it a part of their happiness.
Even if you did not do something grand for them, they would still take your hand and have you walk with them on every path of life.
They are too busy to give you time
Time, when once given, cannot be taken back. Partners always give each other time in a relationship, a way of showing their care and love for each other. your partner tells you they are too busy and will not be able to spare a couple of hours to come home and have lunch with you – they’ve already lost the care card. Partners always give each other enough time in a relationship in order to show that they care and love each other.
They are indecisive
If they are keep on playing the cat and mouse game, the moment you give up, they are all into the relationship, when you call it quits, they will begin to think of getting back together.
Stop letting them take such grave advantage of you and let them know relationships are not determined by such cliché aspects like coming and going when one wants to.
You get to have a say in it too. If they cannot accept this fact, then it is you who needs to leave for sure because clearly, whether you leave or stay is of no such concern to them.
They put the blame on you
Even if it is not actually your fault, your partner will always blame you for both of little and big things in your everyday life together.
They do not care enough about the healthy course your relationship can and should take and so, putting blames on you becomes habitual to them because holding someone else accountable for their own actions is easier to fulfil, is it not?
They treat you arrogantly
There is nothing cool about treating other people below, so if your partner acts in such this way where they are using their high rank,
charm or power just to bring you down in any way, then it is definite sight that they do not care enough to protect your feelings.
You know that homily feeling you get when you’re with your significant other? That feeling of security and stability’s among the first bricks to put in any relationship.
Being disrespectful to you
All of the things that are important and have value to you should be respected and cared for by those people around you too but only those who deeply care about you. What can actually make you would make them happy as well.
But if your sweetheart shows disrespect for the things that matter to you, then you do not need to stay with such a person who cannot treat the things you so value with equal respect.
They are not supportive
There is no good in being with someone who does not have your back. Support to a relationship is what water is to plants; it makes the other grow.
Support is a whole lot more that saying the same things that you are about to say, going to the same places as you date and hangout with the same group of people.
They will treat you like an outsider
If you are a way ahead of your relationship and yet you still have not met their parents or gotten to know if they have any siblings and other personal things,
just take it as a sign that they are not that serious about the relationship that you have
You are with them yet they make you feel like an outsider. It is a fake concept you are following blindly and so, you need to stop and set your priorities straight.
They make you feel worthless.
Being with somebody who only sees the darkness of life is not good for you.
Even if you have stopped believing in the greater good, they should still show you the optimistic side of things because that would make you feel better.
Being with someone who only sees the darkness of life isn’t healthy for you. Even if you stop believing in the greater good, they ought to show you the optimistic side of things as that would make you feel better.
Their apologies do not mean anything
“Sorry” is just a word not until somebody will come along and will give a meaning to it. Your partner will commit the same things that they would later be sorry for, or will they?
Care and thought has to be put into an apology and it does not mean anything if not enough care is put into it.
Being with such a person can be very damaging for you, someone who does not care about what they do or say that you may dislike and then not having the decency to apologize for it in earnest either.
They try to change you
You have actually stopped feeling yourself anymore every time that you are with them. If your partner really cares about you,
they would not try to change you, as a matter of fact; they often do the opposite so that you will enjoy a healthy relationship.
But a careless partner makes you change yourself in so many ways, you feel exhausted.
All sex, no love
You should not be involved physically with anyone who you are not married to by the way but some do, you will actually know when your partner literally stops caring about you and your relationships when they only engage themselves in the physical aspect
and do not pay that much attention to your feelings, as well as the respect that you deserve from them.
Love isn’t defined by something as mediocre as sex; that’s just a part of the relationship, not the whole thing.
They begin to cheat on you
Loyalty is said to be in a relationship when you deeply care enough for that person, but if not, you can easily jump to the next one.
If your partner actually cares about taking the relationship to a serious level, they will never go and cheat on you. It’s only when they stop caring or lose their interest in you and the relationship that they waste their time with someone else.
No efforts was made to protect you
Not protecting you or at least trying to do so would actually mean your partner will not fight for you and the relationship, once they lose interest in it.
If your partner lets little obstacles come in the way of your relationship, they don’t deserve your time.
If they did, they’d want to fight for the bond you two share, not throwing it away when things get rough.
They do not bother remembering what you say
When we really care about the person who is speaking, we earnestly listen to them. When we do not care, we are just hearing things out.
It might be something you said last week or just a couple of minutes ago…if your partner does not even bother recalling it,
much less keeping it in mind despite your emphasis on how important that thing is to you then take it as a sign they do not care enough for you nor their relationship with you to listen to what you say.
They make you cry more than often
When your partner hurts you and makes you cry then don’t bother to come and make sure that you are fine, could they be more careless and not serious about your relationship?
When your partner doesn’t pay much heed into being with you and at least trying to maintain the relationship with you, they’ll keep all the good stuff for themselves and not bother including you in any of it.
Being together means doing all the fun things together too but if they don’t care at all, why would it even matter to them that you are out there with them enjoying some happy moments?
They have it all to themselves
Whether it is going out in a Saturday night or planning a trip with friends together, when your partner does not play much attention in into being with you and at least trying to keep the relationship with you,
they will keep all of the good things for themselves and they will not bother to include you in any of it.
Wanting all the good things for themselves steals your partner’s ability to compromise with you too, because that would mean you getting some of that good stuff every once in a while too.
They have commitment issues
You have to realize that it wasn’t about you; it’s all about the other person wants. If your partner has fear of committing to a relationship, they will not really mind wherever the relationship is going.
You’ll know your partner has lost interest in the relationship when you feel like you don’t know them anymore because their lack of commitment will leave you questioning their place in the situation. You’ll know instantly they aren’t worthy of your love and effort when they turn your good days into bad ones.
Important lessons to learn from Gabby’s tragic life and death.
1. Based on the body camera video posted by the officers who pulled Gabby and her fiancé over for suspicious driving, some viewers assumed Gabby was suffering from mental illness and Brian was the stable one.
2. Some people may have assumed both partners were equally abusive and equally at fault. The old “it takes two” myth that doesn’t really apply to most abusive situations.
3. Some people may have even assumed Gabby was the abuser and Brian was the victim.
4. These assumptions are classic. Why? Because, in many cases, the target manages to keep things together until her breaking point, at which time others may see her crying or hear her yelling or see her breaking, and then they assume she’s “crazy.”
5. Meanwhile, the abuser plays the part of the poor, patient partner who has to deal with this crazy person. But all the while, he’s been acting very differently behind closed doors, pushing her to this point intentionally and feeding on her emotional break. He LOVES to see evidence that he has hurt her. He LOVES to see her pain.
6. For this reason, “breaking her” has been his goal from the start. It may take him hours or weeks or months or even years to break her, but he won’t stop until he gets that reaction, and then he’ll point the finger and say, “See? She’s crazy. I’m just trying to keep her calm.” And then he’ll do it again. And again. And again.
7. As a result, some people will buy into that false narrative. Even the target. Which brings me to my next point.
8. In the video, we see Gabby making many excuses for Brian’s behavior, and she takes all the blame for everything he does.
9. We also see Brian blaming Gabby and saying he was just trying to keep her calm.
10. This is also the norm for victims of long-standing abuse. A target becomes conditioned to believe everything the abuser does is her fault.
11. Also, she clearly doesn’t want Brian to be in trouble. She’d rather pay the price and protect the man she loves. Also, remember she truly believes he only acted this way because of her, so she doesn’t want him to be blamed. This is also the norm.
12. Smart officers see right through this. Others buy the cover-up story. (And because some officers are also abusers, they all too frequently side with the abuser even when they know exactly what’s going on.)
13. I actually credit the police in Gabby’s situation. They were calm, they separated the couple, they interviewed them individually, they split them up for the night, they did everything right. I’m sure the officer has tremendous guilt about the end result and wonders if he could have prevented it, but I don’t blame the officers in this case. I was actually pretty surprised and impressed with how well they treated both Brian and Gabby
14. Many people have been shocked by Brian’s family’s refusal to cooperate with police. I’m not shocked at all. Let’s look at that a little more closely.
15. I’m also not surprised to learn that Gabby lived with the Laundrie family for a year. We all see this family will do anything to protect their son, even at the cost of an innocent young woman who was a real part of their family and soon to be their daughter -in -law. While most of us can certainly understand them wanting to protect their child, they crossed a moral line when Gabby went missing.
16. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it shows them as a system of enablers who not only allowed Brian to abuse Gabby over a long term (which probably led to her intense anxiety) but also a system of gaslighters who were probably always shifting the truth to keep Gabby confused and make her believe she’s the problem. She was caught in an entire system of abuse. And once you’re in that web, it’s very very very difficult to see a way out.
17. I imagine they probably contributed to her abuse from the start and encouraged their son’s abusive behaviors by rewarding him, making excuses for him, blaming Gabby, flipping the script, and keeping her in the fog that breaks down a person’s psyche and spirit over time.
18. Gabby and Brian had been together since their teens. This is also common. These immature relationships work beautifully when both partners grow together and mature emotionally. But when one wants to keep the other down, naive, and under his control…and the other is growing, learning, and maturing, it doesn’t work.
19. We hear Gabby tell the officer that Brain didn’t think she could do her travel blog. It seems clear that he didn’t believe in her and was trying to make her not believe in herself.
20. She also says he didn’t like her working and that he locked her out of the van because she wouldn’t calm down. But when you listen to the full video, it sounds like he was upset because they’d spent too much time at the coffee shop with her working on her website when he wanted to go hiking. She wasn’t in her seat when he was ready to leave. Control issues?! He squeezed her face with his hand in anger. He cut her down and criticized her, verbally abusing her until she was a wreck of tears. He was breaking her spirit, intentionally.
21. Why? Because her focus wasn’t 100% on him. And because she had found a job she enjoyed and was good at and that allowed her to connect with other people, when he wanted her all to himself.
22. She now had this one little piece of her life that he couldn’t completely control, so he wanted fo get rid of that. It angered him. He punished her for it. See the pattern?
23. The overall takeaway? When you see someone crying like this, don’t assume she’s crazy. Don’t buy into the false narrative given by the abuser. Don’t believe the cover-up story by the target who has been conditioned to carry all the blame and shame. And don’t assume she’s going to be okay. She just may end up your next recovered body.
24. If you or someone you love are in an unhealthy relationship, please don’t assume it will get better in time. I haven’t heard one single story where it got better. Not one. Not with therapy. Not with church. Not with prayer or forgiveness or complete surrender. Nothing works when the abuser is determined to destroy that target. He will not stop until she is erased from this world or from her life. And in many cases, he’ll walk away without any consequences.
Please don’t let the next Gabby be you or someone you love.
Domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-7233
I hope no one I know is in an abusive situation but if you are? GET OUT!!!
Con amor,
Vero
