Advice from John Gottman

Wedding anniversaries in August are shared by several members of our family, including (but not limited to) Mandy and Spencer, Vanessa and Alejandro and Bianca and Joseph. To celebrate here is an article on characteristics for a lasting relationship from my favorite relationship expert John Gottman. 

There are plenty of opinions out there about what you should do to ensure a happy, long-lasting relationship. Your mom says that it’s all about communication; your best friend swears by keeping things romantic… With so much conflicting advice out there, it’s hard to keep track of what we’re really supposed to be doing to keep our relationships going strong. Luckily for us, a study spanning four decades weighed in, and the results reinforce what we all want to hear: Successful couples are kind and generous to one another.

 1. Show interest. If your spouse points something out to you or tries to engage you in a conversation about something they care about, tune in — even if it’s not really your thing. This is an example of “turning toward” an attempt at connection.

2. Having a bad day is not an excuse to disengage. The true test of your kindness and generosity comes when you’re not feeling at the top of your game. “If your partner expresses a need and you are tired, stressed or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid [for your attention] and you still turn toward your partner,” Julie Gottman said.

3. Fight kindly. Master couples do argue, but they know how to express their anger constructively. Instead of making accusations in the heat of the moment, explain why you are hurt and upset.

4. Trust your spouse's intentions. If your partner says they are doing something to make you happy, believe them. Don’t overanalyze or try to sleuth out ulterior motives. Generosity is all about being giving with your love and appreciation.

5. Share joy genuinely. Instead of waiting for a challenging time to prove you can be supportive, learn to be a cheerleader for your significant other in happy seasons, as well. When your spouse comes to you with good news, put down your phone and be part of their joy without any distractions.” 

I am not an expert in this field but I learned the hard way that the person who we choose to marry should be the most important relationship of all. Parents will pass on, children will leave the nest but ideally, who we marry will remain with us forever. 

Con amor,

Vero