Seek First to Understand

Thoughts on 163 days of quarantine.

 

5. Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Quick Summary: 

Before we can offer advice, suggest solutions, or effectively interact with another person in any way, we must seek to deeply understand them and their perspective through empathic listening.

Let's say you go to an optometrist and tell him that you've been having trouble seeing clearly, and he takes off his glasses, hands them to you and says, "Here, try these -- they've been working for me for years!" You put them on, but they only make the problem worse. What are the chances you'd go back to that optometrist?

Unfortunately, we do the same thing in our everyday interactions with others. We prescribe a solution before we diagnose the problem. We don't seek to deeply understand the problem first.

Habit 5 says that we must seek first to understand, then to be understood. In order to seek to understand, we must learn to listen.

“You’ve spent years of your life learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? Steven Covey 

 

We can't simply use one technique to understand someone. In fact, if a person senses that we're manipulating her, she will question our motives and will no longer feel safe opening up to us.

 

“You have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness and trust.” Steve Covey

 

To listen empathically requires a fundamental paradigm shift. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. At any given moment, they're either speaking or preparing to speak.

After all, Covey points out, communication experts estimate that:

·      10% of our communication is represented by our words [CLICK TO TWEET]

·      30% is represented by our sounds [CLICK TO TWEET]

·      60% is represented by our body language [CLICK TO TWEET]

When we listen autobiographically -- in other words, with our own perspective as our frame of reference -- we tend to respond in one of four ways:

1. Evaluate: Agree or disagree with what is said

2. Probe: Ask questions from our own frame of reference

3. Advise: Give counsel based on our own experience

4. Interpret: Try to figure out the person's motives and behavior based on our own motives and behavior

But if we replace these types of response with empathic listening, we see dramatic results in improved communication. It takes time to make this shift, but it doesn't take nearly as long to practice empathic listening as it does to back up and correct misunderstandings, or to live with unexpressed and unresolved problems only to have them surface later on.

The second part of Habit 5 is " ... then to be understood." This is equally critical in achieving Win-Win solutions.

“Seeking to understand requires consideration; seeking to be understood takes courage.” Steven Covey

 

When we're able to present our ideas clearly, and in the context of a deep understanding of the other person's needs and concerns, we significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.

Key Lessons:

Here are a few ways to get yourself in the habit of seeking first to understand:

1. Next time you're watching two people communicating, cover your ears and watch. What emotions are being communicated that might not come across through words alone? Was one person or the other more interested in the conversation? Write down what you noticed.

2. Next time you give a presentation, root it in empathy. Begin by describing the audience's point of view in great detail. What problems are they facing? How is what you're about to say offering a solution to their problems?

 

Another way of looking at this habit is to say: “Maybe there are people who might know more than you do.” 

 

Con amor,

Vero