The other day I was looking at young mothers showing pictures on facebook about their family life and for a moment I LONG for those times in my life. How precious they were and how I regret taking them for granted.
Today I am here by myself with a lot of time on my hands, the house is clean, there are no dead -lines or errands to run, no ballet for the girls, no soccer games to take Cristi to or basketball games to take Mandy, or voice and guitar lessons for Bianca. No future plans to take trips to Mexico to visit friends or family in El Salvador either.
Those days as a family are gone forever and that is why divorce is so hard because despite the fact those are great memories to cherish those memories came with an expiration date as a family. That is why I was feeling a little blue the other day. It is hard enough to be an empty nester but it is even harder when those wonderful memories didn't continue its natural course. I am sure it must be hard for Daniel too even though he does not express it. However we both ended up with amazing children and that on its own is a great blessing. We will forever be grateful for our dear children!
A problem I deal with is that I wish I had married Daniel from the start when we were both single and that he would have been my only husband the way it supposed to be. I hate to know I ended up with two husbands. As much as I want to block off and erase my happily married life for 22 years to what seemed to be a nice guy is impossible because so many things remind me of those precious and glorious days as a Vanleeuwen. Is like I want to tell people don't judge me please, I don't know whose fault it was but I do know my Heavenly Father knows how much I loved my family and how much I wanted to make it all work for us and how I was willing to put up with verbal abuse if I had to, but my Savior knew better and gave me what I should have had in the first place.
Today I realized that perhaps my former life was like Joseph Smith and the lost pages. He learned his lesson for wanting something that wasn't mean to be in the first place. Now I have what I should have had to begin with. A wonderful husband by my side who loves me the way I am and one I can completely trust who will stay with me forever. On days like today when I have time to think about my life I only want to tell those young mothers out there. Don't complain about every trivial little thing but rather, enjoy your time together NOW while you can because one day you would wish that they had not grown up too fast! You have no idea how much I miss you girls!!
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