On the road again

Going to Idaho to be with Cristi and family so the grandchildren know we exist. I love to see my girls and how different life turned out to be. I remember a few years ago, I was trying so hard to find a way to keep my family intact and retained my husband home. I wanted for our family to be forever. I wanted us to grow old together but what I wanted didn't matter. Bottom line, he simply did not love me and that is the honest truth.


 In school anytime I needed to write a paper whether it was an English class, Institute class, Family History, Human development, Psychology, Personality, Marriage  or the sex and gender class; the topic was all the same. The impact of divorce on children! I now have realized that I knew in my heart I would be ok and probably that my life would even be better than I could have ever imagined. Brad was right when he said: "you need someone better than me." but it wasn't about me, it was about our girls and our future grandchildren. We wanted to be good examples to them. We didn't want to become like those weird dysfunctional sit comes you watch on TV like modern family.


When I look back I learned that no matter how long it has been since the divorce took place, divorce makes you guilty and you try forever to make up  the loss to your children. Not to mention the awkwardness! I remember Cristi commenting on how tense I look each time I have to face her dad because whenever we had to come together to celebrate say Mandy's wedding there exists a very visible tension, awkward hugs and tight smiles. An event that could have been joyous and relaxed in a normal setting, In a different family. And had her parent's not gotten a divorced.


 Sure, we can do therapy. We do. We can talk at home. We do. We can rationalize, explain and listen. But in the end, divorce fractures a child's life like some quote a saw in a newspaper clipping: " Ultimately children make sense of divorce on their own. Their story. Their collage. We strike an odd counter intuitive balance of allowing them to hurt while not fixing the ouch. That's hard." Because to let our children feel pain is in itself painful. But that's all we can do. I don't want to hear about the ex's who like each other more than ever, who are best friends, who vacation with their significant others. Good for them! My story is not anything like theirs. I  have a good enough divorce, nothing more and nothing less and I got a seat on the grand theater of divorcees and next to me, millions of others.