Today we went to Terah Bromley's beautiful home who had been a career woman in business and taught at the prestigious Thunderbird International Business School in Arizona. One who had instructed business people and had a few ideas about managing time.
One of the main ideas I got from this meeting and one I have become passionate about is how to say no or how to NOT to say yes all the time when you need to say NO. Steve Jobs said it best: "It's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important."
That was my biggest weakness as a young mother. Being able to say “no” when someone needed me. I still struggle when I see any situation where I know I can be of help to not make time to help someone. Except that finally now, I should be able to do those things and not when I had a young family. That is why there is a time and a place... And I know the real reason it was hard for me is because I desperately want to help people because I love helping people.
Helping people is what makes me truly happy in life. So if it makes me happy then why is it a problem? It’s a problem because there are so many people out there who need help that if I try to be there for all of them I end up not being there for the very people that matter the most to me in my life – my own family.
One of the main ideas I got from this meeting and one I have become passionate about is how to say no or how to NOT to say yes all the time when you need to say NO. Steve Jobs said it best: "It's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important."
That was my biggest weakness as a young mother. Being able to say “no” when someone needed me. I still struggle when I see any situation where I know I can be of help to not make time to help someone. Except that finally now, I should be able to do those things and not when I had a young family. That is why there is a time and a place... And I know the real reason it was hard for me is because I desperately want to help people because I love helping people.
Helping people is what makes me truly happy in life. So if it makes me happy then why is it a problem? It’s a problem because there are so many people out there who need help that if I try to be there for all of them I end up not being there for the very people that matter the most to me in my life – my own family.
Lately I have asked myself the question – Why is it that we are so quick to let our spouse and children down when they need our time, but we worry about letting total strangers or casual acquaintances down? Is it because we know our spouse and children love us and will forgive us, and we are afraid others won’t? I don’t know why we do it, but I fully admit that I have, plenty of times.
I admit that there were many nights when as a young mother I was not able to fix dinner so we had whatever or was late for dinner because I allowed a call or an emergency to feel like it had to be dealt with immediately, totally overlooking the fact that I had to be on time for my family to have dinner. But that is totally wrong!
More and more I am realizing that if you don’t force it to change it will simply continue, because your spouse and children do love you and perhaps they will continue to forgive you when you are late…but the fact is that even if they forgive you, you won’t be able to forgive yourself.
I looked around at all those young mothers in that setting and thought of how lucky they are to have every second as part of a family to spend with them. I don't have that luxury now. They are the ones who miss out every time they are busy doing other things than to be with their families.
I remember how much it would have hurt them if I was not there enough, but ultimately I am the one who is hurt the most because I had the ability to spend a moment with them and I wasn’t there…they were the blessing in my life…they were the gift and I was the one missing out on the gift if I didn't take advantage of it every second that I could have. So remember you cannot be dumb enough to not take time with your family. Don't take them for granted. You cannot be dumb enough to let anything else come before them.
I admit that there were many nights when as a young mother I was not able to fix dinner so we had whatever or was late for dinner because I allowed a call or an emergency to feel like it had to be dealt with immediately, totally overlooking the fact that I had to be on time for my family to have dinner. But that is totally wrong!
More and more I am realizing that if you don’t force it to change it will simply continue, because your spouse and children do love you and perhaps they will continue to forgive you when you are late…but the fact is that even if they forgive you, you won’t be able to forgive yourself.
I looked around at all those young mothers in that setting and thought of how lucky they are to have every second as part of a family to spend with them. I don't have that luxury now. They are the ones who miss out every time they are busy doing other things than to be with their families.
I remember how much it would have hurt them if I was not there enough, but ultimately I am the one who is hurt the most because I had the ability to spend a moment with them and I wasn’t there…they were the blessing in my life…they were the gift and I was the one missing out on the gift if I didn't take advantage of it every second that I could have. So remember you cannot be dumb enough to not take time with your family. Don't take them for granted. You cannot be dumb enough to let anything else come before them.
So today we were asked to put those important things that matter as a priority and for all those working mothers out there ask yourself– If you know you want your family to be the highest priority in your life then how do you keep finding yourself in situations where you are overcommitted and not as available as you need to be? you need to think a ton about this question and try to figure out why you am still struggling with work/life balance.
For me, the truth is that I probably no longer have to work. I didn't have to when I did but had the excuse to be busy. Now, I am finally to the point in my life where working is a choice, not a requirement, so it should be simple to dedicate more time to the family right? Not so fast! We are thousands of miles away, in airplane terms, two days away and each time I think about this, it kills me.
For me, the truth is that I probably no longer have to work. I didn't have to when I did but had the excuse to be busy. Now, I am finally to the point in my life where working is a choice, not a requirement, so it should be simple to dedicate more time to the family right? Not so fast! We are thousands of miles away, in airplane terms, two days away and each time I think about this, it kills me.
To all those working girls. It is so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if there is an open spot on the calendar then it must be free time to book another meeting – WRONG! Because 50% of what you need to get done in the day doesn’t get booked as an appointment. So I made a list of the things that don’t get a calendar appointment, but must be done during the day:
- Reading Emails
- Answering Emails
- Going through the mail
- Taking Phone Calls
- Returning Phone Calls
- Reviewing the materials for my upcoming meetings so I can be fully up to speed ahead of time so my meetings will be more effective
- Having time to sit and meditate about the meetings I have had so I can determine which the best opportunities to spend focus on are.
- Writing my daily Blogs etc.
.
Making that list has led me to realize that all of you working moms out there do not have 8 hours a day to deal with your work load, you have far less than that. If you are realistic you will figure out the number of hours in your day that need to be reserved for the bullet list to get done. for me is totally different: fixing dinner, cleaning, exercising, etc. For me that means at least four hours a day on average need to be blocked off just to do those daily things from my list.
Making that list has led me to realize that all of you working moms out there do not have 8 hours a day to deal with your work load, you have far less than that. If you are realistic you will figure out the number of hours in your day that need to be reserved for the bullet list to get done. for me is totally different: fixing dinner, cleaning, exercising, etc. For me that means at least four hours a day on average need to be blocked off just to do those daily things from my list.
Next I realize that I have to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty or bad or like I am a horrible person. That is hard for me. It goes against my entire personality. It frankly kills me to do. And my anxiety over this one is HUGE! I think being a woman makes it ten times harder because women are wired to take care of people and we feel guilt over pretty much everything! But I have got to get to the point where I can simply say “no” and I need to get to the point where I can see someone needing help and be willing to not step in, which is the hardest one of all for me.
Even writing down the fact that I have to learn to do it is causing me major anxiety and guilt…arggghhh….but it has to happen. Because if it doesn’t happen then I will be hurting my marriage and myself and I can’t let that happen. I need to force myself to recognize the fact that IT DOES HURT MY MARRIAGE if I take on too much. And I have to recognize that when I take on too much I am choosing to hurt my family.
I have to realize that it is a choice and I can’t blame it on anyone else, I can’t justify it with the excuse that “this other person needed me” because there are millions and millions of people that probably need us in the world and that we could help – but we made a commitment when we got married or had kids that we would let those people count more than the millions and millions of other people in the world. Having a family means you make the unspoken promise to always put them first in your world.
So the choice of the priority has already been made and if we can stay mindful of that then we shouldn’t have to make so many day to day determinations on what comes first our won family! And we can’t feel guilty about it because putting them first is the right thing to do!
I, more than any of you reading this blog, need to remember this! Trust me, today’s blog is more for me than anyone else, but I am hoping if I share what I am realizing with you that someone else can avoid making the mistakes I have made. Put your family first and don’t feel bad doing it! Then help as many other people in the world as you can, whenever you can, as long as you never let them come at the cost of your own family. Hope this is helpful!
Even writing down the fact that I have to learn to do it is causing me major anxiety and guilt…arggghhh….but it has to happen. Because if it doesn’t happen then I will be hurting my marriage and myself and I can’t let that happen. I need to force myself to recognize the fact that IT DOES HURT MY MARRIAGE if I take on too much. And I have to recognize that when I take on too much I am choosing to hurt my family.
I have to realize that it is a choice and I can’t blame it on anyone else, I can’t justify it with the excuse that “this other person needed me” because there are millions and millions of people that probably need us in the world and that we could help – but we made a commitment when we got married or had kids that we would let those people count more than the millions and millions of other people in the world. Having a family means you make the unspoken promise to always put them first in your world.
So the choice of the priority has already been made and if we can stay mindful of that then we shouldn’t have to make so many day to day determinations on what comes first our won family! And we can’t feel guilty about it because putting them first is the right thing to do!
I, more than any of you reading this blog, need to remember this! Trust me, today’s blog is more for me than anyone else, but I am hoping if I share what I am realizing with you that someone else can avoid making the mistakes I have made. Put your family first and don’t feel bad doing it! Then help as many other people in the world as you can, whenever you can, as long as you never let them come at the cost of your own family. Hope this is helpful!
Con amor,
Vero
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